The build up

Swearing. Every possible curse word that you do not speak comes into your mind, screaming at full mental volume. Not a word escapes from your lips.

Anger, irritation, repressed. Because you know it's not her fault. It's not anyone else's fault. You've made a mess of best-laid plans, and you don't feel in control of your own life. Because you know it's not fair, and you will regret it later. Because your pride and self-dignity won't let you. Because somewhere in that mindbodysoul ownership that you call "me", you know that that's not the kind of thing "I" do.

Maybe pride is a good thing sometimes. Without it, we would be crawling, snivelling. But have you seen a man at the end of his strength, yet still faltering to make the next step, and the next step, and the next? That's determination, that's pride.

I don't know what you think of me, the fact that I don't explode. Never, not here, not now. If I do, I shatter much more than your ideas of me. I shatter my own identity.