Monday, August 6, 2012
I realize that I am addicted to the present, the here and now. It explains why my three favorite things are bodily sensations or states of being: sunshine, showers and sleep. On one hand, I derive so much pleasure from commonplace things, everyday beauty, sparkling conversations with friends new and old, music that makes me want to move, good food. And I keep seeking new pleasures and things to experience. On the other hand, it makes unpleasant moments almost intolerable. Drudgery at the office is one example, I can't just sit and do something monotonous for eight hours. I do wish I could either ignore my boredom or not be affected by it, or find a way to make even that experience pleasurable and interesting. Perhaps everyone is like this, but I doubt so. Some people seem just so...bland. How can I engage my here and nowness in a productive way, and not wear it down to survive?
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
So interesting (and frustrating) how my emotions fluctuate wildly day to day even when there seems to be no real reason for it. I wonder if I'm going through a second adolescence, since my first one was relatively calm -- I was neither very rebellious, did not experiment with substances or illegality in any way, and generally did not indulge excessively in angst or have to deal with too many periods of social anxiety. Since leaving home though, life has become more complicated and I wonder how some people in my position can be so settled, so SURE of what they want to do in life or even where they want to be for the next few years. I'm muddling it out, for sure, and I take comfort that the crooked paths are the more interesting -- but it does create some anxiety and restlessness, a push-pull, mental and almost physical tension that is simultaneously drawn to new endeavors and novelty and 'breaking away', whatever that may mean, and also yearns for certainty, stability and assurance that everything and everyone will be ok. If as some claim as in songs that life is a dance, it is a very strange one indeed.