Trust

What I have realized, (and many thoughts fly in my head when I exercise - somehow the creative fermentation process works as though in a dream, fitfully, without direction, with great emotional intensity), is that one's voice is unique and should never be compromised or sold. It is a tragedy that we must conform, shrink our natural burning brightness into halogen lamps that shut on and off on command, that produce tired thoughts and hackneyed arguments, that create efficiency but not understanding.

Lately/all my life/ I have been struggling, stuck in a lockhold where two strong and opposite passions collide. Sometimes out of necessity one triumphs over the other, as with time-sensitive decisions such as where to study, what opportunities to take, and so on. Other times the struggle is personal, and not institutional, and I have been stuck in the lockhold for years - important life decisions like what do I believe about making a living, who God is, what direction should I point my life in, and so on. For so long I have tried, have sweated for the answer, for the simple decision that flows naturally and rings with certainty of the truth. Only then, I reason, will I be able to walk decisively towards the goals I have set, assured of who I am.

Try as I might, it is hard to shake off the myth of linear progress, because there is some truth in it (and so much falsehood and simplification that leads to disappointment). Perhaps it is time for me to move beyond that, and reconcile myself to the possibility (I hesitate to say fact) that the patterns of life and meaning are much too dense for any one person to understand, their multi-dimensionality utterly incomprehensible when viewed through the limited prism that we operate in; but on the large scale, beautiful.