Various thoughts

So many thoughts that I wish I had a blogspot.com window in my head that I could write blog entries when I walk to class, on the KCR, when I go for lunch, when I shower, in the midst of a 101 things I do where it's socially acceptable to be on your own and not talking to anybody.

Then again, I might not want ALL of my thoughts broadcasted for all the world to see. Most of them would be so boring, to say the least.

But really, this is not what I meant to blog about.

At 10+ pm, when still finishing my Bio Lab and postponing the chance to blog then, I was thinking of how far I've drifted away from what I've always professed to be close to my heart. Where is my personal relationship with God now? Does He even have a say in my life? When He speaks, do I ever stop and listen? I am so wrapt, entrapt, bedazzled in my own cocooned world that I cannot see the sparkling possibilities and the deeper truths that He would reveal to me.

I haven't gone to church in 3 weeks at least. I often don't do devotion and when I do, it's so rushed and I'm so tired I have hardly any energy left to meditate on it. I say I'll pray for people but I only do it once or twice. My life is carved into such neat porportions so that there's a slice of time dedicated to everything that needs to be done: except time for God. Time to be quiet, and to stop pretending.

The scariest thing is, I never felt it. God must be being merciful - He has not withdrawn His grace from me. I am still extraordinarily blessed. He guides me and gives me peace each day, and meets all my needs and more. He answers prayer. It doesn't make sense, to be so good to this prodigal child.

Yes, in one sense it wasn't a drastic change. But there still is. The hardness of heart. The reluctance to care- truly care, not just "hey how are you" type of care. Slowly bending to the standards of those around me. The rock of truth never erodes, but who can say that about the fine sand of belief and ritual that we grip onto?

I fear becoming ineffective as a Christian, so watered down as to be tasteless, formless, gormless, useless. Maybe not so in the eyes of the world, but in the light of eternity. God help me. I don't want that.

"Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you..."

The second thing I wanted to blog about (but now has lost some of its potency) was after going to a friend's midnight birthday party, and due to a tiny miniscule immaterial probably-nothing observation, feeling a twinge where there should have been none. Ok I know I make no sense. All there is to say is that there are so many sides to each person. And the more you see them the more the glamour fades, and they are revealed to you, warts and all....whole. You feel some disappointment (how can s/he actually do that?) - you had figured them out wrong. But then again, people are not mathematical equations. And if, like in The Matrix, everything can be reduced to lines of numbers, each person is going to need more RAM to represent them than all the available computer power in the world. You decide, after everything, not to judge. Because you're not omnipotent, and you don't know what's really going on. You just wish life was simpler, people either white or...white. Varying shades of white but never darker than grey. As for the truth of the matter...time will tell. Time will tell.