Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Oceans move and the fish think they are the force that pushes it gently off its balance

My employee portal tells me I have worked for exactly 1 month and 9 days. Wow.

When I look underneath the daily frustrations, elations, and low-grade tedium which characterizes the fresh-grad office worker's day, there's actually so much to celebrate.

What I say next must be taken with a generous amount of sodium, taking into consideration my circumstances of being a 'knowledge worker' in one of the most developed countries in the world, of having oodles of free time (I work until 6.30!) and having the luxury of knowing I have more than enough financially to meet my needs. And probably most pertinently,

Keeping that in mind, I say I am relieved because work isn't as bad as I thought it would be. In so many ways my life has changed, in terms of place - position - relationships - friends - family, and yet I still have the same habits. I still keep flitting from one intoxicating idea to another, I still love making plans and not doing them, I cannot concentrate on one thing without getting into a rut, and I still learn. A ton. Every day.
The life of the mind has become only more interesting, more practical, and more life-giving to me.

I yearn for and dread responsibility in equal measure. Today, it hit me that my work actually goes into exhibits which goes to the very top of the managerial food-chain, and represents my company. It is so different from college, where you do in some settings represent the institution, but you are only called to represent yourself and your failures and mistakes mean little more than a grade.

I decided today (but tomorrow this goal may change, who knows) that my aim for the rest of this calendar year is to be mediocre. To be a good analyst, and even a senior analyst, seems as unrealistic as becoming the CEO in a year. Rather, I aim to satisfy the lowest common denominator, which for me will take a considerable amount of effort since the type of work I do does not come naturally for me the way writing does. In my work there are definite right and wrong answers, a quality that is not present in writing where for most of my life I have used ambiguity, with its pleasingly creative and inefficient quirk where you can say the same thing a hundred different ways, to my advantage. Now, I have to adapt to a system where that does not work. So, achieving mediocrity will be an accomplishment for me, and I'm glad I've recognized that at least.

No comments: