It is a lovely Sunday afternoon

Not bright-shiny like the inside of a mall, but sunny enough to see the leaves sway on branches, unaffected by autumn brown. It is a common complaint that in Southern California we do not have proper seasons. It is a balmy 21 degrees Celsius. After the unusual long periods of rain that we have been having the past week, along with the cold and gloom, this is a refreshing change.

We usher in the seasons differently here. Fall and winter are coming, dragged by the feet and sending us rainstorms, unusually hot days sandwiched between cold ones, and all other weather anomalies, but we are prepared. Rain boots make their cheery multicoloured appearance, while on some days I still come out unprepared in my flip flops.

It is a lovely Sunday afternoon, and I am puzzled that you are not online. I have work to do, but the edge of panic has been taken off by working through a Saturday night. I am content to stay in today, on this balmy beautiful day looking out the window, and work on my bed.

What would make this day thrice lovelier would be if you were here, working intensely on your laptop. Maybe once in a while we'd both break from our fixed sight on the screens, look up, and stare at each other -- disbelieving the fact that the 't' has been taken away from there, that we are both here, now. I know we would treasure each frame in the montage of our togetherness, beautiful and ridiculous alike, finding precious gems in activities others may find mundane.

When I screw up

An emotional wrecking ball, that’s what my life has been like. Little things, little signs adding up and I don’t see it coming till it hits me in the face. Unanticipated, and yet once I know of it, the dread starts building up and it grows, grows and it does not make the fall any better.
More to come, more to come. Prescient awareness, one of the unique things about being human, is a double-edged sword.

I have decided

as far as I can, as much as I can, as long as I can; to live without substitutes.

Without deadeners.

Without mind-altering, numbing substances.

Without caffeine.

We can live without life and we can smile without happiness. We can touch without feeling, we can speak without understanding, we can sit together and talk without ever once making a connection.

Part of the responsibility of living is to live truly, and boldly.

Otherwise, all of life is just palliative care. And that would truly be a tragedy no drug can ease, though it may take the edge off it.