Writing, and Malaysia

There are so many things that I want to blog about that my mind is racing. In completely different directions. I am reminded once again of the maxim "The heart has its reasons of which reason knows not".

The heart- don't you sometimes wish you didn't have one? It scoffs at logic and common sense and discipline. It speaks its own language. It reminds you that all good and all evil ultimately springs from it. And how important it is to keep oneself pure.

Sometimes, I wish I could write as fast as I talk. Ideas pop into my head at the weirdest times. When I want to sleep. When I'm in the car or the bus. When I'm driving. And they don't come in proper structures like sentences, but in a rush - like a two-hour long movie shown at high speed. You catch snippets of it here and there, the beginning and the end are crystal clear and you KNOW for sure this is the one idea that will make it big. If only the soaring emotion, the words that would immortalise the day and you forever, would stick in your head long enough for you to get into a cyber cafe and start typing.

Also, I realised over the weekend at a conference how smart Malaysians are. We have so many smart people here that if they all stayed and did their most in the field they were passionate about, Malaysia could have a turnaround. I just hope they'll come back. They will benefit anywhere, but Malaysia needs them most. Maybe their hearts will tell them what their logical brains refuse to accept:)

Yes, I have to admit it. There is hope for this country. There is even hope for SOME of our politicians, if what I and 500-odd participants at this years Malaysian Student Leaders Summit heard. And when there's so much fun happening, and true hope of rebuilding a better nation for all, who can resist the challenge?

Thoughts of a 19 year old

Just sitting at my computer, writing, typing, surfing Facebook while reading news on the US election while trying to study Chemistry for a test the next day. Typical night, except maybe my heart is pounding a little harder than usual due to anticipation...

Just then, I hear a rustling of my (duck-themed) curtains and a DUCK card pokes through. My roommates dash in, wishing me Happy Birthday, giving me the card and a gift. I am surprised and delighted, because it's only 11.50pm and people usually do this after 12. Then, I am blindfolded so that everything is blackness and my roommates lead me outside, to don't know where...

After an interminably long of stumbling up and down staircases, along corridors and the open air, my roommates guiding me by hand, I ask where we are going. Of course, I don't get a straight reply. Someone periodically pokes me and knocks me on the head.

We finally seem to be going somewhere, and as we enter a room I can hear the low whine of an air-conditioner. We're in the common room, I know as much from the numerous birthday parties that we've had here before, all at midnight, of varying numbers and rowdiness.

They shush each other, and suddenly the familiar melody of "Happy Birthday..." begins. Sounds like a lot of people. At the end my blindfold is removed, and I see that there WAS a lot of people. The room was pretty full (unlike in some parties where so few people came, I felt embarrassed for the birthday boy/girl) Much more than what I expected who would care.

So self-conscious, standing there with all these people smiling at me...yet I understood then, what it is to be valued, to be loved and cherished and feeling appreciated by the company. I took time to recognise and thank everyone who came to hug me personally, and heard so many kind words that I probably can't remember. I remember the general sentiments.

There was a beautiful chocolate cake (and tasty too!), a huge homemade card with people's messages in it, some individual cards and presents...I think I was just overwhelmed. I knew people had tests, quizzes the next day; and it was not a weekend. They had so many other things to finish, but they came, even if only to give a hug and a smile and a "Happy Birthday". And my friends went to so much trouble to organise it. Perhaps it's not that grand, that extravagant...but I have only known these people since last September, yet they would do this for my sake? Friendship is a wonderful thing which I will never truly understand, but will always marvel at and try to be good at.

And then there were others, who couldn't be there but sent their wishes, their gifts, even their precious time for a conversation which is a gift in itself (Shiny! Tsuey! Wei who wanted to talk but I was out...sorry) ...because I love talking and listening to friends almost as much as eating and sleeping. Speaking of which, we (me and close friends) went for a dinner tonight at a great Thai restaurant not far from my school, and they wouldn't let me pay.

I realise that I do these friends, these schoolmates injustice if I do not take them at their word. If when they say, "You're such a great friend," I downplay their statement to a conventional phrase, while I take criticisms to heart. There must be balance, and slowly I'm reaching that point of equilibrium, going closer every day. Especially now that I'm 19 years old.

And also I realised once again that there is no end to giving. That through my self-conscious, awkward, sometimes inappropriate manner of showing concern and love for others; people have gained comfort. That my confused ramblings about their problems were perceived as guidance. That my instant noodles which I forgot that I lent them, were still on their minds. What I'm trying to say is, don't despair if you aren't perfect in the way you treat others. So long as you try, people will see your good intentions and they will love you for it. And what I thought I was giving away though I didn't mind it at all; was returned into my hands doubled, wrapped up, with interest.

Maybe we should stop comparing ourselves to others, looking at what they have and we don't, but look around at others. I mean, truly. Instead of glancing enviously at the other table where everyone is laughing uproariously, talking to the quiet person next to you.

And if we saw how much God loves us, so much more than friends or family or lovers or even soulmates...we'd live like we have nothing to lose, only everything to gain. And that is the true reality when we live in step with Him.

Randomly

Since when have I been hurtable.



Since when can a sentimental thought turn my stomach and make my eyes swim dangerously in tears.



Must be approaching that time of the month.



But the good news is...



I am not that terrible a people judge after all.



And why do all my friends ALREADY know about my (almost addictive) sleeping habit??! It's not THATTT obvious, is it?



Argh. It probably is.

Grateful

There is nothing like

Family
Friends
Laughter
Long-distance phone calls
Chats over cheesecake and coffee

to fill up this deflated float and help it get back in line, bobbing on its way to the sea.

Thank you, everyone. For everything, large or small, that you have given to me. Even for reading this. Your love is never forgotten.

Sticky Labels

Dear readers, sorry for the long hiatus! Well it's only been a week plus, but I know in blogger terms that's pretty long already...especially for any blogger who wants to keep their audience who of course have many alternative forms of amusement. So thanks for coming back.

Today's the night of my 3rd day at school and so much has happened already since I came back: not surprising, since the amount of things which happen in one day for me here is equavalent to what I do in a week back home.

Being back here now, it doesn't feel like home, but it's not exactly a strange foreign place either. It's like a hotel room: nice; interesting experience, more stuff to do and explore - but when the times up, no place can beat home. I miss being able to dance and shimmy in front of the mirror when I brush my teeth (when I want to, not all the time). Though I still do it secretly sometimes, when I'm sure no one's in the bathrooms...

TO THE TOPIC! YES, THE TOPIC!!

The other day, I was walking back from the library at night alone (it's freaking cold at night here) and since I had nothing else to occupy me I started thinking. I thought, "Why is it that we always label people? The nerd, the partyfreak, the social outcast, the free love poster boy/girl...?" And often, when you get to know people, they are so much more than what you had heard they were like or judged that they must be like based on their clothing and mannerisms. It works both ways...you can be awed by people and also disappointed in what you see in them. Either way, people are way too complicated to be labelled simply.

And yet, it's only natural that we label others! Sometimes it's for our convenience - the computer whiz is great at fixing your internet bugs, you go to him and beg for help, and that's all you know about him. But who knew that he is also a closet poet, or that he likes growing tulips? We could also be trying to bolster our own self-esteem when we compare ourselves to others by putting them in a tight box of what they can and cannot do, justifying that our talents make up for our inferiority in areas that they excel in. We forget that they have just as much potential for growth and discovery of new talents as we do.

Maybe the frustration comes when you wonder what kind of label people have stuck on you. It might be a succinct one: Quiet. Weird. Bossy. Argumentative. Or something like that. But even a pretty good one like Nice limits you. You can't be Nice all the time. You should have the space to be a little assertive, even a little bit unfair sometimes, and not be condemned for it. And what if a negative label gets stuck on you for some reason? You have to spend a lot of time and energy fighting that perception that people have of you.

There is one way, however, that I think labels may be good. They inspire us to be more socially acceptable in order to earn a good label. For all I know, that may be how the whole fabric of society is woven together and how governments control their citizens. Each of us, doing what we do in order to gain acceptance and approval and that big tick mark from everyone else.

Ouch

Sometimes, you don't realise how important, how essential a part of you is until it goes out of action.

For example, your ankle. It's a lowly protruding bone somewhere down there, near the dust...but do you know how much it does for you? It stabilises you, helps you twist and turn and dance and play, takes the weight of your body and so much more. You should really appreciate it, because it's not fun when BOTH your ankles are out of action.

Like moi.

The first one I sprained was during a netball match about two weeks ago. It was getting better - I even danced a bit during Latin American Cultural Evening! And then, today I went to a netball match again...not really because I want to play but because there's no one to substitute me.

Everything was going well until I scrambled for the ball...someone bumped into me...and CRACK I went down on one foot. The game had to continue so the opposing team lent us a player. We lost anyway (we're the most inexperienced team ever, we've only been playing for two months while others have been playing for 4 or more years).

Then I went with my friend who was going to see a traditional Chinese doctor. She rubbed and pushed and pulled (kind of like Thai massage, but more painful because the joints are sore sore sore...)

And it costs a lot....RM200 for both feet!! Now look and feel like an invalid. Going through the same slow healing process as last time, which hadn't actually finished yet, with a new foot. Feeling guilty for playing when I should have rested but also not certain what I could have done otherwise (besides not falling) because there really was nobody else to substitute, and we can't play without enough players. Worried that ankles won't be as strong after this (although doctor lady assures me that it will, since it's addressing the root cause and not just the symptoms like Western medicine).

Now I've got a test tomorrow to study for, covering everything we've learnt so far and which I'v e not studied for at all, and two bandaged ankles.

Joy comes in the morning...with faith, I shall put my trust in His promises. Things will get better.

Yoga and Fitness

My body feels worn out in a nice way. Today was my most physically active day this week - I went for girls football and subsequently yoga.

And besides the obvious benefits of exercise, the joy of burning calories, and endorphins...

I feel so unfit! Gravity pulls me ever towards the bed and the canteen, and the effects are showing. I wonder how much I weigh now? Then again, it might be better not to have a weighing scale here in case I become obsessive about it.

I feel so uncoordinated! I tripped over the football - twice. Once during warm-up and the other time during the game. And my team was the weakest - because most of us are newcomers to the game I guess. Should I make a new goal of being able to kick a football decently by the end of this term? Hehe. Can wow everyone when I come back - till I fall over the ball while gloating.

I feel so flabby! During yoga ( which is not an easy exercise, contrary to my assumption) where you have to hold certain positions, I felt a considerable amount of muscle ache in various parts of my body. For some reason at that point I was thinking of 'build up of lactic acid in my muscles are causing them to scream at my pain sensors right now'. Hmm, learning Biology does have its benefits.

Really sounds like exercise is not good for my self-esteem is it?

However, if I ever want to get more healthy and fit, I have to put more time and effort into exercising. I'll do my best to meet that challenge (though I've never thought of myself as a gym freak...that would take a great amount of self-delusion) and TRY to keep up an acceptable level of fitness.

Anyone up for a jog?

(P/S: Hong Kong weather is terribly hot right now, I think I sweated enough to cook rice for a family of four. Really!)