Questions

Why the emphasis to create? Everyday I am told by my society, my peers, that I need to speak out, to voice my opinions, to form meaning out of chaos or at least make someone laugh ironically. Facebook's "What's on your mind?". Blogger. MSN messenger status updates. Notes. Emails.

Even school. Essays, writing without generating original thoughts or language. Science lab reports. Activity evaluations. Graduation speeches. They credit us with too much thinking. All I want is to be entertained. I will pay for that entertainment with money I have not earned, and time I do not have.

Maybe, maybe this drugged lifestyle of consumption - physical wants like fashion and gourmet cuisine, tv series and movies and the latest fad - really isn't wrong. But what is wrong is the inequity in who gets to speak. Who gets heard.

Words unlock meaning but they also limit life. A construction worker may not write a novel but he may know more of suffering than a feeble intellectual would with all of his philosophical exercises. The desire to trap feelings or thoughts in inflexible words that join to phrases connected into sentences may distract us from the enjoyment of the event itself.

And yet, where would we be without abstract thought and reflection? How would we live with ourselves without justifications, explanations, rationalisations to make ourselves feel like there was a plan when all you did was set out in the wide unknown with an unreliable compass and an outdated map?

If I had the answers I'd give them to you. But I once learned that it was more important to ask the right questions than gain the answers to them. My only worry now is that the questions above aren't really the important questions, because they can't lead to anything. Maybe I should think more about questions like, "How can I make someone's life better?" and "How can I make my own life count for something?" and "What would be the best use of my time, right now?"

If I can answer those questions everyday, there isn't anything else to ask anymore.

And so it goes

Nearly the end of the year now. School year I mean. Funny how this place can subtly take over your whole life. It is self-sufficient. You have everything you need to survive; food, drinks, sleep, work, friends...

You almost feel like no other place exists for you outside these few square kilometers. I don't even know if we occupy a few square kilometers.

But very soon, in a few days, the gates will be unlocked and you will not be asked to come back before 9pm. Half the people you know know you may never see again in your life. The imprints on your heart and memories in your mind are all you have of them. And then you wish things could go back to what they were, yes, those hectic crazy times. Because life was normal then, all was well in the bubble.

I feel the tension as the college draws its breath in anticipation for the bubble's bursting.

------

A tightrope. Maybe that's one way to describe it. Walking on a tightrope blindfolded. Or parachuting above a canyon. A little bit of uncertainty and a little bit of curiousity and a lot of excitement, visible or otherwise.

And who knows enough to tell you what's truly right? Free from bias, prejudice, personal experience - just the truth, uncompromising and ultimately freeing?

Math minded

Math portfolio.

If you have the patience and the time to waste in order to decipher this, I applaud you.

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Randomly

Since when have I been hurtable.



Since when can a sentimental thought turn my stomach and make my eyes swim dangerously in tears.



Must be approaching that time of the month.



But the good news is...



I am not that terrible a people judge after all.



And why do all my friends ALREADY know about my (almost addictive) sleeping habit??! It's not THATTT obvious, is it?



Argh. It probably is.

About stuff

So many thoughts, and so little time to blog them.

Just:
about beauty.
Be a connoisseur. Be as intrepid and determined as a treasure seeker. And like a leaf unfolding, it will appear before your eyes, startling and perfect. It doesn't have to be typical, like a sunset or a flower. It's there in your friend's welcoming eyes. It's in the private joke that no one else thinks is funny. It's in an unexpected smile from a stranger.

Learn to accept it, not mindlessly turn to your soulless machines and forget the living, breathing world around you. Like default. And may you find that one perfect bud in the midst of the raging storm.

About friends:
Maybe the reason why I love people so much, why I generally like to observe others around me and find the best I can in them, is because I don't know them very well. People, who as a whole; are faulty with misconceptions and half-truths and agendas and biases and identity confusion. And complexes. And Issues.

And the way they surprise you sometimes, telling you things about yourself that you never knew, or just never examined closely enough to realise. Then you realise that while you were watching others, they were just as closely, as perceptively - or maybe even more - watching you.

About Arundhati Roy, The God of Small Things:
She can write. She doesn't write steamy novels about scandalous liaisons between people of different castes and how a pair of twins rediscover each other. She unfolds the story, first arranging the cutlery, then putting each dish on the table with its covers on and then slowly, with all eyes watching, removes each one. The tension coils around your stomach, and you know it's going to be awful but you can't stop reading now, you have to know. It's like modern Greek tragedy, which is actually timeless tragedy. It's just so good. It's not just her sentences, of which there are some pretty picturesque ones, but her descriptions which have true power. When she describes a place in a few lines I have an image of it in my mind. Not just an image, but the out-of-body-but-still-in-body feeling of actually being there, amid the sweat and dirt and grime.

Lyd, I know the difference between her and those other "once upon a time in a steamy Asian village" novel writers now. It's not the story but the way you tell it.

Pixels and Loneliness

I discovered an important truth: I look best in small pictures, about 2 by 3 inches, little thumbnails in which important facial features can be noted (two eyes, two ears, lips) without the flaws being too obvious (shiny skin, crooked hairline).

If only all pictures of me could only be seen at that resolution. Like the msn profile pic size, and not in it's horrendous, blown-up, billion megapixelled, merciless accuracy. Yes, I have a slight phobia of picture-taking. Not that you'd notice, from the way I brandish my (by today's standards) large camera and grab hold of people for snapshots at social gatherings. I live by the philosophy of probability: the more pics taken, the more likely there are going to be some that are half-decent where I don't look like some retard who's on a sugar high (and has been for some time, if you understand what I mean). As long as I'm the ONLY one with the camera. But when others have bad pictures of me and can use it for blackmailing purposes...eek...

This reminds me of some of the many witty one-liners in the play I've just finished performing (I played a supporting character), "Secret Love in Peach Blossom Land".

A: Isn't it beautiful? (Referring to a stage backdrop) From a distance, it looks like embroidery.
B: (Going closer to examine it) Up close, it looks like shit.
A: Well, that's life.

And it's this kind of offhand comment that really strikes us when we think about it (when we have too much time, like me now) - it's true! Our lives always look so neat, so on track when you look at it just cursorily. Step in for a closer look, and you'll notice the cracks in the wall, the missing bits and pieces, the wilted flowers of our little disappointments. But maybe you would see some things that brighten your heart too - a seed sprouting from the ground, a fresh coat of paint on the wall. We may be the frailest of creatures but we are not incapable of redemption, of reinvention.

----

'Please don't hang up. You needn't say anything more, I'm just afraid of being alone.' (It's a little old-2003 article-but I think the situation probably hasn't changed much since then, people still have the need to be affirmed as human beings, with value to their lives.)

Loneliness can kill-literally. To me, the example I've heard of the most is that of Japan, with the highest suicide rate in the world. The land which invented Toshiba, Toyota, Honda; conquered Southeast Asia, birthplace of anime and outrageous haircuts. Amidst the innovation, the isolation and depression. Souls dying while technology soars to new heights.

Getting a bit carried away, am I?

I'll just leave you to think about this quote from "Shall We Dance?" (originally a Japanese movie-surprise surprise) that I only heard once, but had such an imprint on me that I think of it sometimes, out of the blue.

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

(It's a beautiful movie, full of subtlety and humour while exploring complex issues of love, passion, conformity, desire and many more. I highly recommend it. The dancing is also top-notch.)

I am so glad, so awed, that no matter what, I have more than just a witness to my life. I have a witness to my salvation, my eternal life. Whatever happens, however terrible things become, I am never bearing the burden alone. None of us are, if we only realise the truth. The thing is, we don't really need another person to notice our lives, though it makes life more pleasant. We only need to notice who's been there all along.

A Fork Stuck in The Road

I must be the most self-centred person on earth.

Despite everything going on around me; my family and friends and God and things to be done and deadlines to be met, my mind keeps circling back to the same thing: Should I or shouldn't I?

It's a very mundane issue and I've sought the advice of so many people. Dropping English A1 from Higher to Standard Level, and taking up Geography at Higher Level. That would mean dropping Biology from my schedule completely, but that isn't the issue here. If I dropped English, Bio would have to go because I then have 7 subjects and it would be pointless if I'm only going to take 6 subjects for the IB. And I'd only have 3 highers, 3 standards. Whereas if I keep my status quo, I'd have 4 highers, 2 standards.

The issue keeps revolving in my head. On one hand, I love love English. Why else did I take SPM English Literature, when it ate up an extra 2 1/2 hours outside class time each week, made me come back for holiday classes and read summaries of books till all the literary terms were spinning in my head? Because I connect with literature. It is useful, it is beautiful, it is instructive, it is uplifting and soul-shattering. Literature paints life and shows me so many colours of it I was blind to before.

English A1 Higher reads 15 books and does one more World Lit assignment (which is the one where you can be creative). English A1 Standard does 11 books but most everything else is the same.

But you ask, why do you want to take Geography, then? Isn't Geography the very subject you hated most during PMR? Wasn't your Geography teacher the most uninspiring teacher you had? (Not really, many vie for that honour, sadly.) Yes, all that is true, but things are different here! Geography is not just about maps and agricultural products and import/export. It talks about population, resources, development, poverty...so many important geographical issues in the world that affect people. And in UWC, where you mix with students from more than 80 countries, it's the best place to examine and understand the major current issues in our world and how we are connected to each other. There is also a science part to it, in case you're thinking it doesn't sound like Geography...it also studies things like drainage basins, litospheric atmospheres, arid environments, things like that. But all those can be useful as well to understand the way our world works, in a way that traditional sciences (Bio Chem Phys) tend not to cover in much detail.

Sooooo what should I do? Once I came here and learned that Geography was taught like this here (miles different from what I'm used to), I was excited about taking it. Still am but then, thought there's no chance cause my subjects clash. They still do, there's only that one way I can take it. I talked to the Academic Director yesterday (awesome guy): he clarified to me that there's really no difference in the way US universities would view a candidate based on A1 Higher or Standard, unless I wanted to take English Lit as a major (which I'm pretty sure I won't, due to lack of employment opportunities thereafter). UK is out of the question financial wise anyway, but I'm not planning to study law. In which case, my options are pretty open.

One more thing to consider: if I take Geog, I only have 3 highers, 3 standards which is the requirement (IB doesn't actually encourage people to take more than this, but some people do). Quite a few (I'd estimate half) the people in my first year are doing 4 highers and 3 standards. However only 3 or 4 are doing that in the second year, so most people drop before the examinations. Still, taking the old combo (4 highers, 2 standards) would give me some level of security that in case I want to drop any of my highers, I can still fulfill the basic requirement. But perhaps that's not the best way of thinking...when I have settled on the subjects I want, I don't want to give up on any of them.

So, that's my quandary in a nutshell. Views and comments much appreciated!

Boring Update 1

I'd promised myself I wouldn't be like those bloggers whom I find a chore to read; you know, those who write about their daily lives and what time they went where and with who and how many margeritas they had - mundane stuff that you really aren't interested in. Unless they write in a particularly interesting or funny way it's stuff that I skim over.

But since I've just moved to a new place and people are wondering how things are going on here, I might as well do my updates here. Since mostly people I know read this blog anyway. (unless there are ghost readers who don't comment!)

Short account:

Sunday 2nd Sept

• Moved in. Met roommates, introduced to many people and then promptly forgot their names but usually remembered which country they're from.
• Watched the welcoming ceremony where there were performances in the college courtyard.
• Had tutor meeting which is basically a small group which you'll get to know better and discuss things with all throughout your second years. I guess it creates more intimacy between students and also their tutors. Mine is nice, his name is Beta! Yes, the symbol. Later on we'll actually go out for dinner with our tutor groups and Beta always goes to different places, he says. Yummmm!
• House party, which was NOT a party. Just introduced everyone in house then check in (need to check in every night) and then people just started talking and eating snacks. Nothing much, unlike other houses where they had games.

Monday, 3rd Sept

• Lots and LOTS of presentations about our CAS (Creativity, Action, Service) components and the services we can take in college. Just the presentations alone took 3 hours so you can imagine how many we have.
• Alcohol awareness presentation. Discussion bout consuming alcohol (personal decision, but its illegal under 18 in HK) cannot on school grounds and so forth.
• I had a pressing headache then (couldn't tahan adi the night before quite little sleep plus my usual sluggard life has 10 hours sleep a day)
• Flea market after dinner (which I skipped to rest) and I bought 75 HKD worth of thingamajigies like files, a basket for toiletries etc. Didn't manage to get curtains though cos they were snapped up pretty quickly.
• Jazz Night. A once-in-a-while thing that they have, with performances and dance, even, in the canteen for all the college to watch. Was quite entertaining though the PA system could have been better. Things like modern dance, Chinese flute, Chinese song, guitar and English songs, Spanish songs with African drums, things like that.

Today 4th Sept

• Information session
• Again, lots and lots of information about courses we are going to take and we went to different classrooms, listening to what the teachers had to say about their subjects.
• Made bank account with Hang Seng Bank here. Apparently, its a subsidiary of HSBC Bank! I didn't know that HSBC is actually a Hong Kong/Shanghai company.
• BBQ lunch. Really nice food! Crowded, busy area - I think I'll have to get used to that -but everyone's getting to know each other, if only on the superficial level. At least a bit. Groups congregate and sometimes I feel weird to approach one...but well, boldness must start with a single step and the first Hi!
• Went to Peak Tram and to watch the Light Show at the Harbour this afternoon and night. Was quite nice except that I had seen it once before and somehow big tall buildings all jammed together don't inspire me very much now. I'm getting sick of Hong Kong after only a week plus here. Brilliante.
• Meeting with Student Committee
• Common room party; with the usual moshing, loud music, grinding, people playing snooker or lounging around, and a couple of people standing around doing nothing or trying (note trying) to talk above the noise. Left after a while, nothing much for me there. I'll dance when I'm comfortable, and now isn't the time.

Then, back to the room and here for the report!

There are so many more things that I would like to explain, further explore...but it's getting late - past my personally-scheduled bedtime actually - and maybe I'll talk about it later. About the strange feelings that I go through a million times a day now and my own observations. Of myself and others. But for now, goodbye from beautiful Hong Kong!