2 Timothy 2: 22Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
Galatians 5: 19The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
Search my heart O God. Your word is unchanging truth that stands firm even though the waves of life and confusion sweep over me. Although alternative doors are opening to me now, with them it brings shades of grey and dubious morality and a craving for temporary pleasures. If there is nothing I can cling onto now - not church which sometimes seems so far away and so removed from the immediate pressures of the real world and this confinement of thoughts in my mind; or people with their changing whims and fancies; or books which preach different doctrines - there is one thing I can hold onto now.
Your word. Your word.
_____________________
I said to someone recently, "I want to be someone who has lines, lines dividing right and wrong, truth and deceit, because now I am someone who has great big areas of uncertainty." Only the creator of the universe can be an authority on those lines, and I want to find out exactly where they are.
Showing posts with label Thinking of Him. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thinking of Him. Show all posts
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Friday, July 4, 2008
Treshing it out
The biggest time-waster for young people and adults is definitely the internet.
I sit here planning to take 10 minutes to check my email, listen to a few songs and that's it. Instead, I find myself flipping from blog to blog, shuffling iTunes, checking MSN every few minutes to see if someone's there...and before I know it, my night is gone.
Oh yeah, and sometimes I try to blog but invariably there's nothing in my mind that's worth sharing.
My attention span becomes that of a technologically literate 5 year old. And sometimes it can be relaxing to put your brain cells in "sleep" mode, but it doesn't get much done. Depth is exchanged for enjoyment.
The only time I can really do work on the computer is without music and without internet. And to truly eliminate any distractions, without the games menu either.
But this was not really what I started out to say. What I wanted to talk about what this:
Can we still serve together under Christ if we don't agree with each other?
Those who know me might know what I'm referring to. It truly saddens me when friendships are severed and people become confused and disillusion because of theological disagreements. I know there are certain things that the church stands on and must never compromise on. The question is, which?
I've heard so much already, from people on both sides of the divide and also the fence-sitters. The one thing I'd want to do is to break that fence and bring all the sheep together, for aren't we all under the same shepherd? But that's not right for me to do when I'm new to the argument, so much has happened in the 6 months that I've been away. When everything was developing I was still in Hong Kong living a separate life and thinking that things were all okay, growing in the same direction as when I left. I suppose I should take a lesson from this: we all have our own struggles and everything looks better from a distance (including photos...the fewer the pixels, the better you appear.) Look closer up and you'll see the strain in the smile, the worry lines around the eyes, the dark eye-bags, the tightly-gripped hands.
We sing praises to God proclaiming that He is all we ever need. That we love Him. We give him our lives. We humble ourselves at His feet. But when the music draws to a close and the lights go up and people turn and see each other for the first time, what happens? Does a mask come on then, and we try to act cool and top one another, trading jokes and insults? Look around to see if the "happening people" are around and try to mix with them? Make as much noise as possible and push each other around, huddle in a tight circle sharing celebrity news until the youth leaders holler for quiet...
This is a usual scene at youth meetings. Maybe not all, but many of them. I don't blame the youth. I'm guilty of it too. We are not taught how to behave in church. But is it any better if we act all proper and chaste in the church sanctuary, then leave the church and act like we've never been in it? That's probably worse, and seeing younger youth acting like that should be a challenge to the leaders. Unconsciously, their behaviour mimics yours. By your actions you are showing them what's acceptable and what's not. The new talk is about "mentoring" and I'm all for that. I was never formally mentored by anyone but all the basics of spirituality and Christianity I learned from dedicated kid's pastors in the church and through kids camps, and later on as a teen with another church that adopted me as one of their own.
What matters to teenagers, though, is honesty. Can leaders truly be effective if they are not honest with themselves, with God and with others? This situation in church where the newly-elected leaders want to move forward and expand the youth with different programmes and commitments while not dealing with hurts left behind from disagreements and unresolved differences confuses me. Especially as we're all still in the same boat. Keep praying for unity, but until God touches our hearts to humble ourselves before each other and ask for forgiveness that we've hurt each other by each taking a moral high ground, I don't think that will happen. At some level it doesn't matter that we don't agree on everything. Unless you want to split up, you've got to make up somehow. And when congregations split, differences between leaders confuse and weaken the followers. Or make them more narrow-minded, sometimes.
I love these people, and individually I see that each of them burn with a passion to serve God especially with the youth. It is a conundrum to me why we can't all pull together. Perhaps I oversimplify things because I want to believe it is still mendable, and in doing so I do all parties an injustice. It isn't that simple.
All I know is that when I praise God, it is simple. When I read His word, my heart agrees and is at peace (okay most of the time, unless I go to the Old Testament, but that's another story), and it is simple. When I think of all He's done for me, it is simple.
It is only when I look at the people around me, at the complex messes we tangle ourselves into, at my own doubts and confusions...that I think that it isn't simple. At all.
I sit here planning to take 10 minutes to check my email, listen to a few songs and that's it. Instead, I find myself flipping from blog to blog, shuffling iTunes, checking MSN every few minutes to see if someone's there...and before I know it, my night is gone.
Oh yeah, and sometimes I try to blog but invariably there's nothing in my mind that's worth sharing.
My attention span becomes that of a technologically literate 5 year old. And sometimes it can be relaxing to put your brain cells in "sleep" mode, but it doesn't get much done. Depth is exchanged for enjoyment.
The only time I can really do work on the computer is without music and without internet. And to truly eliminate any distractions, without the games menu either.
But this was not really what I started out to say. What I wanted to talk about what this:
Can we still serve together under Christ if we don't agree with each other?
Those who know me might know what I'm referring to. It truly saddens me when friendships are severed and people become confused and disillusion because of theological disagreements. I know there are certain things that the church stands on and must never compromise on. The question is, which?
I've heard so much already, from people on both sides of the divide and also the fence-sitters. The one thing I'd want to do is to break that fence and bring all the sheep together, for aren't we all under the same shepherd? But that's not right for me to do when I'm new to the argument, so much has happened in the 6 months that I've been away. When everything was developing I was still in Hong Kong living a separate life and thinking that things were all okay, growing in the same direction as when I left. I suppose I should take a lesson from this: we all have our own struggles and everything looks better from a distance (including photos...the fewer the pixels, the better you appear.) Look closer up and you'll see the strain in the smile, the worry lines around the eyes, the dark eye-bags, the tightly-gripped hands.
We sing praises to God proclaiming that He is all we ever need. That we love Him. We give him our lives. We humble ourselves at His feet. But when the music draws to a close and the lights go up and people turn and see each other for the first time, what happens? Does a mask come on then, and we try to act cool and top one another, trading jokes and insults? Look around to see if the "happening people" are around and try to mix with them? Make as much noise as possible and push each other around, huddle in a tight circle sharing celebrity news until the youth leaders holler for quiet...
This is a usual scene at youth meetings. Maybe not all, but many of them. I don't blame the youth. I'm guilty of it too. We are not taught how to behave in church. But is it any better if we act all proper and chaste in the church sanctuary, then leave the church and act like we've never been in it? That's probably worse, and seeing younger youth acting like that should be a challenge to the leaders. Unconsciously, their behaviour mimics yours. By your actions you are showing them what's acceptable and what's not. The new talk is about "mentoring" and I'm all for that. I was never formally mentored by anyone but all the basics of spirituality and Christianity I learned from dedicated kid's pastors in the church and through kids camps, and later on as a teen with another church that adopted me as one of their own.
What matters to teenagers, though, is honesty. Can leaders truly be effective if they are not honest with themselves, with God and with others? This situation in church where the newly-elected leaders want to move forward and expand the youth with different programmes and commitments while not dealing with hurts left behind from disagreements and unresolved differences confuses me. Especially as we're all still in the same boat. Keep praying for unity, but until God touches our hearts to humble ourselves before each other and ask for forgiveness that we've hurt each other by each taking a moral high ground, I don't think that will happen. At some level it doesn't matter that we don't agree on everything. Unless you want to split up, you've got to make up somehow. And when congregations split, differences between leaders confuse and weaken the followers. Or make them more narrow-minded, sometimes.
I love these people, and individually I see that each of them burn with a passion to serve God especially with the youth. It is a conundrum to me why we can't all pull together. Perhaps I oversimplify things because I want to believe it is still mendable, and in doing so I do all parties an injustice. It isn't that simple.
All I know is that when I praise God, it is simple. When I read His word, my heart agrees and is at peace (okay most of the time, unless I go to the Old Testament, but that's another story), and it is simple. When I think of all He's done for me, it is simple.
It is only when I look at the people around me, at the complex messes we tangle ourselves into, at my own doubts and confusions...that I think that it isn't simple. At all.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Little Altars
Random note: Blogger.com was in Chinese for me for a while till I changed it back to English. That's strange...
Little Altars
My children, beware of the little idols, the small allowances and compromises that you make each day for the sake of normality. Do not let your temple be a marketplace, do not let your heart be sold to the highest bidder. You are so much more worthy. You are so much more precious. You are much more beautiful than anyone can tell you or that you can even see yourself.
Child, why are you unhappy? You have replaced the love I give you freely and endlessly with love from your friends. You are so hungry, begging for their approval. Without them you'd lose the will to live. I cannot force you to return to me. But I will keep entreating you. I will not stop calling your name.
My love, the world is hungry and desperate for those who will love unconditionally. I know that you don't know yourself, but I know you. I know your struggles and the pain you cannot express and the sorrow that surprises you in its intensity and vagueness. I know you cry easily when no one's looking.
You have so much to do, so many roles to play: faithful friend, obedient daughter, hardworking student, responsible leader, inwardly-beautiful person...and sometimes you just can't juggle it all. But when you are overwhelmed with your inadequacy, look to me. Look below you, and see who holds your feet. Look above you, and see who's supporting the sky. Look around you and see how all things are made very, very good.
Though you battle with time, realise that time can be your friend if you use it well. It is hard, my love, but learn to say no to your impulses. Remember that you cannot give of what you do not have. And those who always need to be around others are afraid of what they'd see in themselves if they were left alone.
Lastly, my child, remember that I am always with you, forever. Think of me whenever you see a green leaf, breathe fresh air, open your eyes. I am in you, around you and my arms will hold you tightly. You are never left on your own.
Take that one step towards me, child. And I will scoop you into my arms, place you on my shoulders, and carry you on in this journey.
Little Altars
My children, beware of the little idols, the small allowances and compromises that you make each day for the sake of normality. Do not let your temple be a marketplace, do not let your heart be sold to the highest bidder. You are so much more worthy. You are so much more precious. You are much more beautiful than anyone can tell you or that you can even see yourself.
Child, why are you unhappy? You have replaced the love I give you freely and endlessly with love from your friends. You are so hungry, begging for their approval. Without them you'd lose the will to live. I cannot force you to return to me. But I will keep entreating you. I will not stop calling your name.
My love, the world is hungry and desperate for those who will love unconditionally. I know that you don't know yourself, but I know you. I know your struggles and the pain you cannot express and the sorrow that surprises you in its intensity and vagueness. I know you cry easily when no one's looking.
You have so much to do, so many roles to play: faithful friend, obedient daughter, hardworking student, responsible leader, inwardly-beautiful person...and sometimes you just can't juggle it all. But when you are overwhelmed with your inadequacy, look to me. Look below you, and see who holds your feet. Look above you, and see who's supporting the sky. Look around you and see how all things are made very, very good.
Though you battle with time, realise that time can be your friend if you use it well. It is hard, my love, but learn to say no to your impulses. Remember that you cannot give of what you do not have. And those who always need to be around others are afraid of what they'd see in themselves if they were left alone.
Lastly, my child, remember that I am always with you, forever. Think of me whenever you see a green leaf, breathe fresh air, open your eyes. I am in you, around you and my arms will hold you tightly. You are never left on your own.
Take that one step towards me, child. And I will scoop you into my arms, place you on my shoulders, and carry you on in this journey.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Eden and the Cross
What I miss most about Eden is the feeling of certainty. Everything He made was perfect, everything He did was right. There was no doubt and no fear. We had not learned what those words meant, then.
The moment I bit into the sweet flesh of the forbidden fruit, I knew. I knew with awful certainty that my God was mighty beyond understanding and that I should be afraid of His greatness. I knew then my terrible power, that I could destroy what I had built; I could kill what had suckled at my breast.
And the sweetness of the fruit turned into bitterness on my tongue. It was wrong, all wrong, like eyes where ears should be or three mouths. And where did I learn the meaning of wrong?
I spit out the fruit with as much force as I can muster - it dribbles out of my mouth in a wavery trail of drool. I learn the meaning of weakness.
_________
I do not know my right from wrong, my front from back, truth from lies. The newspapers tell me what to think. The internet tells me who to support for the elections. The magazines tell me what I should be wearing this season. Sunday School tells me that I am unique and that Jesus loves me. Church tells me the times are evil and the world is coming to an end. They do not teach me how to love homosexuals, prostitutes, rapists, murderers without condoning their actions and morals. They cannot explain the difference between "us" and "them". Is the any difference, if all are flawed and all bleed when cut?
The fruit, that damn blasted fruit; that brought all men to their knees, that made us pitifully confused creatures perpetually floating in a mist of confusion and duality. But it wasn't the fruit, was it really? It was our desire. And all that was supposed to bring us closer to His status - our knowledge, our labour, our piety - have failed to bring us peace. Failed to restore Eden.
We stack our accomplishments like building blocks to make a pathway to heaven. They fall, each and every attempt, dangling uselessly like a trail of drool.
_________
And with knees bent, head bowed; my God takes away the fruit that poisons and chains me to desperation and hopelessness. He clothes me in righteousness and He lays upon my back two pieces of wood, fastened together -a cross. He tells me to walk with it, the rest of my days.
I speak from beneath that weight now; exhausted but triumphant, hurt but stubbornly pushing forward, doubting my faith but trusting in what I cannot see. Fully aware of my mortality and my fragility. But even as these cloudy eyes fill with tears, I know that one day they will shine radiantly with joy. And what is broken will be made whole, and this feeble life of mine transformed into something masterful, something beautiful.
The moment I bit into the sweet flesh of the forbidden fruit, I knew. I knew with awful certainty that my God was mighty beyond understanding and that I should be afraid of His greatness. I knew then my terrible power, that I could destroy what I had built; I could kill what had suckled at my breast.
And the sweetness of the fruit turned into bitterness on my tongue. It was wrong, all wrong, like eyes where ears should be or three mouths. And where did I learn the meaning of wrong?
I spit out the fruit with as much force as I can muster - it dribbles out of my mouth in a wavery trail of drool. I learn the meaning of weakness.
_________
I do not know my right from wrong, my front from back, truth from lies. The newspapers tell me what to think. The internet tells me who to support for the elections. The magazines tell me what I should be wearing this season. Sunday School tells me that I am unique and that Jesus loves me. Church tells me the times are evil and the world is coming to an end. They do not teach me how to love homosexuals, prostitutes, rapists, murderers without condoning their actions and morals. They cannot explain the difference between "us" and "them". Is the any difference, if all are flawed and all bleed when cut?
The fruit, that damn blasted fruit; that brought all men to their knees, that made us pitifully confused creatures perpetually floating in a mist of confusion and duality. But it wasn't the fruit, was it really? It was our desire. And all that was supposed to bring us closer to His status - our knowledge, our labour, our piety - have failed to bring us peace. Failed to restore Eden.
We stack our accomplishments like building blocks to make a pathway to heaven. They fall, each and every attempt, dangling uselessly like a trail of drool.
_________
And with knees bent, head bowed; my God takes away the fruit that poisons and chains me to desperation and hopelessness. He clothes me in righteousness and He lays upon my back two pieces of wood, fastened together -a cross. He tells me to walk with it, the rest of my days.
I speak from beneath that weight now; exhausted but triumphant, hurt but stubbornly pushing forward, doubting my faith but trusting in what I cannot see. Fully aware of my mortality and my fragility. But even as these cloudy eyes fill with tears, I know that one day they will shine radiantly with joy. And what is broken will be made whole, and this feeble life of mine transformed into something masterful, something beautiful.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
What song means to me
One of the things I miss about having a room and lots of space all to myself is the freedom to sing (and pray) out loud.
I remember back at home, when I was in that singing mood or there were too many feelings contained within me that I could not sort out, I would open up my mouth and let loose. It had a very soothing effect on me - as though all the energies and emotion bottled up within me were being channeled into tones of words that formed a melody and vibrated in the air.
I truly felt the music...like anything done for pleasure, I did not need anyone to make the experience complete. I was both the actor and the audience; and there was perfect feedback between both sides throughout the process of warming up the vocal chords, singing, listening and experimenting with different pitchs and tones.
Here, I have to rein in my voice when it wants to soar (when I sing, it can be LOUD...way louder than my speaking voice), muting it into a hum or whisper. To not disturb others. There's no place on campus that is deserted enough for me to sing as boldly and loudly as I want.
The only time when I really go for it is in Christian Fellowship. Recently we've been doing mostly praise and worship in CF and it's great (though we should also do some bible study soon). When everyone else is singing I am free to join the chorus of praise. Though sometimes I admit I'm more into the music than Him, and that's something I'm asking Him to help me with. When the song is one we've played during Infuse (my youth group back home) a feeling of nostalgia and longing and familiar warmth sweeps over me.
I'm not one who's obsessed with music or wishes to pursue it as a career. I do believe that God has given us tongues and voices for two reasons - one, because He is very, very good and His creation is marvellous and grand and perfect in its every detail. Also, when we sing, we don't use our intelligence but our heart and spirit. There must be a link between what Jesus commanded his disciples to "worship God in spirit and in truth", and the multitude of angels praising God and singing in heaven.
I open my mouth, and pour forth everything that is in me.
I remember back at home, when I was in that singing mood or there were too many feelings contained within me that I could not sort out, I would open up my mouth and let loose. It had a very soothing effect on me - as though all the energies and emotion bottled up within me were being channeled into tones of words that formed a melody and vibrated in the air.
I truly felt the music...like anything done for pleasure, I did not need anyone to make the experience complete. I was both the actor and the audience; and there was perfect feedback between both sides throughout the process of warming up the vocal chords, singing, listening and experimenting with different pitchs and tones.
Here, I have to rein in my voice when it wants to soar (when I sing, it can be LOUD...way louder than my speaking voice), muting it into a hum or whisper. To not disturb others. There's no place on campus that is deserted enough for me to sing as boldly and loudly as I want.
The only time when I really go for it is in Christian Fellowship. Recently we've been doing mostly praise and worship in CF and it's great (though we should also do some bible study soon). When everyone else is singing I am free to join the chorus of praise. Though sometimes I admit I'm more into the music than Him, and that's something I'm asking Him to help me with. When the song is one we've played during Infuse (my youth group back home) a feeling of nostalgia and longing and familiar warmth sweeps over me.
I'm not one who's obsessed with music or wishes to pursue it as a career. I do believe that God has given us tongues and voices for two reasons - one, because He is very, very good and His creation is marvellous and grand and perfect in its every detail. Also, when we sing, we don't use our intelligence but our heart and spirit. There must be a link between what Jesus commanded his disciples to "worship God in spirit and in truth", and the multitude of angels praising God and singing in heaven.
I open my mouth, and pour forth everything that is in me.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
The Ball
God, if You're allowing this pain to persist for a reason, that it may be turned into something good, then let it continue, every single moment of it. But if it's not, will You please stop it!!!!!!!
~~~
Let me tell you a story. It's not my story - not specifically - but a story you could hear from anyone, in tones of defeat and regret. It's not a nice story. But its all I have to give.
~~~
There was once a little girl who went to a park. She saw a ball that some little boys were playing with and instantly, she knew that the ball was meant to be hers. Sure, they were playing with it at that time and someone might protest if she took it away, but those were minor details. The main thing was that it was hers, and she was going to go forward and get -
A hand stopped her.
She looked up, and Daddy was shaking his head at her, sadly.
She wouldn't give up - she tried to stride forward but His hand was gentle but firm. Not one inch more. The ball so tantalisingly near yet so far. She started to weep in anger while His arms covered her and soothed her...
...but all she saw was the ball, slipping away as the boys, oblivious, moved to another corner to play. Her vision blurred with tears as she saw one boy picking up the ball and cradling it under his arm before walking away.
"Why, Daddy, why? You never gave me a ball! I want a ball to play with just like that boy! Everyone else has a ball, why not me?! Don't you love me???!!!"
"I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO LET YOU HAVE SECOND BEST."
"Daddy, I don't care about getting second best! THAT'S my best already! Just let me choose what I want!!"
"YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE, MY LOVE. BUT JUST THINK, HAS DADDY EVER FAILED YOU BEFORE? HAVE I EVER BROKEN MY PROMISES TO YOU?"
"No...."
"THEN TRUST ME WHEN I SAY, I HAVE SOMETHING BETTER IN MIND FOR YOU. AND WHEN I GIVE IT TO YOU, IT WILL BE PERFECT FOR YOU. MORE PERFECT THAN ANYTHING YOU CAN GET BY GRABBING OR SCHEMING."
So the girl's eyes dried and as she hugged her Father, she realised that the giver of all things good will never withhold any good thing for us. But He brings it in His own time and in His own ways. Even something as small as a ball.
~~~
OK, maybe I was lying, but I didn't mean that to become a saccharine story, one you've heard a million times before and which I've probably drawn from the mountain of cliches in my memory bank.
Sometimes, it's not just a ball that He asks you to give up, it's the attachment to it, the wanting and needing. And that can be the hardest part when you feel it would make all the difference in your life.
And that's where the problem lies, because He is the only One who can make all the difference in our lives.
~~~
Let me tell you a story. It's not my story - not specifically - but a story you could hear from anyone, in tones of defeat and regret. It's not a nice story. But its all I have to give.
~~~
There was once a little girl who went to a park. She saw a ball that some little boys were playing with and instantly, she knew that the ball was meant to be hers. Sure, they were playing with it at that time and someone might protest if she took it away, but those were minor details. The main thing was that it was hers, and she was going to go forward and get -
A hand stopped her.
She looked up, and Daddy was shaking his head at her, sadly.
She wouldn't give up - she tried to stride forward but His hand was gentle but firm. Not one inch more. The ball so tantalisingly near yet so far. She started to weep in anger while His arms covered her and soothed her...
...but all she saw was the ball, slipping away as the boys, oblivious, moved to another corner to play. Her vision blurred with tears as she saw one boy picking up the ball and cradling it under his arm before walking away.
"Why, Daddy, why? You never gave me a ball! I want a ball to play with just like that boy! Everyone else has a ball, why not me?! Don't you love me???!!!"
"I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO LET YOU HAVE SECOND BEST."
"Daddy, I don't care about getting second best! THAT'S my best already! Just let me choose what I want!!"
"YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE, MY LOVE. BUT JUST THINK, HAS DADDY EVER FAILED YOU BEFORE? HAVE I EVER BROKEN MY PROMISES TO YOU?"
"No...."
"THEN TRUST ME WHEN I SAY, I HAVE SOMETHING BETTER IN MIND FOR YOU. AND WHEN I GIVE IT TO YOU, IT WILL BE PERFECT FOR YOU. MORE PERFECT THAN ANYTHING YOU CAN GET BY GRABBING OR SCHEMING."
So the girl's eyes dried and as she hugged her Father, she realised that the giver of all things good will never withhold any good thing for us. But He brings it in His own time and in His own ways. Even something as small as a ball.
~~~
OK, maybe I was lying, but I didn't mean that to become a saccharine story, one you've heard a million times before and which I've probably drawn from the mountain of cliches in my memory bank.
Sometimes, it's not just a ball that He asks you to give up, it's the attachment to it, the wanting and needing. And that can be the hardest part when you feel it would make all the difference in your life.
And that's where the problem lies, because He is the only One who can make all the difference in our lives.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Pixels and Loneliness
I discovered an important truth: I look best in small pictures, about 2 by 3 inches, little thumbnails in which important facial features can be noted (two eyes, two ears, lips) without the flaws being too obvious (shiny skin, crooked hairline).
If only all pictures of me could only be seen at that resolution. Like the msn profile pic size, and not in it's horrendous, blown-up, billion megapixelled, merciless accuracy. Yes, I have a slight phobia of picture-taking. Not that you'd notice, from the way I brandish my (by today's standards) large camera and grab hold of people for snapshots at social gatherings. I live by the philosophy of probability: the more pics taken, the more likely there are going to be some that are half-decent where I don't look like some retard who's on a sugar high (and has been for some time, if you understand what I mean). As long as I'm the ONLY one with the camera. But when others have bad pictures of me and can use it for blackmailing purposes...eek...
This reminds me of some of the many witty one-liners in the play I've just finished performing (I played a supporting character), "Secret Love in Peach Blossom Land".
A: Isn't it beautiful? (Referring to a stage backdrop) From a distance, it looks like embroidery.
B: (Going closer to examine it) Up close, it looks like shit.
A: Well, that's life.
And it's this kind of offhand comment that really strikes us when we think about it (when we have too much time, like me now) - it's true! Our lives always look so neat, so on track when you look at it just cursorily. Step in for a closer look, and you'll notice the cracks in the wall, the missing bits and pieces, the wilted flowers of our little disappointments. But maybe you would see some things that brighten your heart too - a seed sprouting from the ground, a fresh coat of paint on the wall. We may be the frailest of creatures but we are not incapable of redemption, of reinvention.
----
'Please don't hang up. You needn't say anything more, I'm just afraid of being alone.' (It's a little old-2003 article-but I think the situation probably hasn't changed much since then, people still have the need to be affirmed as human beings, with value to their lives.)
Loneliness can kill-literally. To me, the example I've heard of the most is that of Japan, with the highest suicide rate in the world. The land which invented Toshiba, Toyota, Honda; conquered Southeast Asia, birthplace of anime and outrageous haircuts. Amidst the innovation, the isolation and depression. Souls dying while technology soars to new heights.
Getting a bit carried away, am I?
I'll just leave you to think about this quote from "Shall We Dance?" (originally a Japanese movie-surprise surprise) that I only heard once, but had such an imprint on me that I think of it sometimes, out of the blue.
"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."
(It's a beautiful movie, full of subtlety and humour while exploring complex issues of love, passion, conformity, desire and many more. I highly recommend it. The dancing is also top-notch.)
I am so glad, so awed, that no matter what, I have more than just a witness to my life. I have a witness to my salvation, my eternal life. Whatever happens, however terrible things become, I am never bearing the burden alone. None of us are, if we only realise the truth. The thing is, we don't really need another person to notice our lives, though it makes life more pleasant. We only need to notice who's been there all along.
If only all pictures of me could only be seen at that resolution. Like the msn profile pic size, and not in it's horrendous, blown-up, billion megapixelled, merciless accuracy. Yes, I have a slight phobia of picture-taking. Not that you'd notice, from the way I brandish my (by today's standards) large camera and grab hold of people for snapshots at social gatherings. I live by the philosophy of probability: the more pics taken, the more likely there are going to be some that are half-decent where I don't look like some retard who's on a sugar high (and has been for some time, if you understand what I mean). As long as I'm the ONLY one with the camera. But when others have bad pictures of me and can use it for blackmailing purposes...eek...
This reminds me of some of the many witty one-liners in the play I've just finished performing (I played a supporting character), "Secret Love in Peach Blossom Land".
A: Isn't it beautiful? (Referring to a stage backdrop) From a distance, it looks like embroidery.
B: (Going closer to examine it) Up close, it looks like shit.
A: Well, that's life.
And it's this kind of offhand comment that really strikes us when we think about it (when we have too much time, like me now) - it's true! Our lives always look so neat, so on track when you look at it just cursorily. Step in for a closer look, and you'll notice the cracks in the wall, the missing bits and pieces, the wilted flowers of our little disappointments. But maybe you would see some things that brighten your heart too - a seed sprouting from the ground, a fresh coat of paint on the wall. We may be the frailest of creatures but we are not incapable of redemption, of reinvention.
----
'Please don't hang up. You needn't say anything more, I'm just afraid of being alone.' (It's a little old-2003 article-but I think the situation probably hasn't changed much since then, people still have the need to be affirmed as human beings, with value to their lives.)
Loneliness can kill-literally. To me, the example I've heard of the most is that of Japan, with the highest suicide rate in the world. The land which invented Toshiba, Toyota, Honda; conquered Southeast Asia, birthplace of anime and outrageous haircuts. Amidst the innovation, the isolation and depression. Souls dying while technology soars to new heights.
Getting a bit carried away, am I?
I'll just leave you to think about this quote from "Shall We Dance?" (originally a Japanese movie-surprise surprise) that I only heard once, but had such an imprint on me that I think of it sometimes, out of the blue.
"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."
(It's a beautiful movie, full of subtlety and humour while exploring complex issues of love, passion, conformity, desire and many more. I highly recommend it. The dancing is also top-notch.)
I am so glad, so awed, that no matter what, I have more than just a witness to my life. I have a witness to my salvation, my eternal life. Whatever happens, however terrible things become, I am never bearing the burden alone. None of us are, if we only realise the truth. The thing is, we don't really need another person to notice our lives, though it makes life more pleasant. We only need to notice who's been there all along.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Various thoughts
So many thoughts that I wish I had a blogspot.com window in my head that I could write blog entries when I walk to class, on the KCR, when I go for lunch, when I shower, in the midst of a 101 things I do where it's socially acceptable to be on your own and not talking to anybody.
Then again, I might not want ALL of my thoughts broadcasted for all the world to see. Most of them would be so boring, to say the least.
But really, this is not what I meant to blog about.
At 10+ pm, when still finishing my Bio Lab and postponing the chance to blog then, I was thinking of how far I've drifted away from what I've always professed to be close to my heart. Where is my personal relationship with God now? Does He even have a say in my life? When He speaks, do I ever stop and listen? I am so wrapt, entrapt, bedazzled in my own cocooned world that I cannot see the sparkling possibilities and the deeper truths that He would reveal to me.
I haven't gone to church in 3 weeks at least. I often don't do devotion and when I do, it's so rushed and I'm so tired I have hardly any energy left to meditate on it. I say I'll pray for people but I only do it once or twice. My life is carved into such neat porportions so that there's a slice of time dedicated to everything that needs to be done: except time for God. Time to be quiet, and to stop pretending.
The scariest thing is, I never felt it. God must be being merciful - He has not withdrawn His grace from me. I am still extraordinarily blessed. He guides me and gives me peace each day, and meets all my needs and more. He answers prayer. It doesn't make sense, to be so good to this prodigal child.
Yes, in one sense it wasn't a drastic change. But there still is. The hardness of heart. The reluctance to care- truly care, not just "hey how are you" type of care. Slowly bending to the standards of those around me. The rock of truth never erodes, but who can say that about the fine sand of belief and ritual that we grip onto?
I fear becoming ineffective as a Christian, so watered down as to be tasteless, formless, gormless, useless. Maybe not so in the eyes of the world, but in the light of eternity. God help me. I don't want that.
"Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you..."
The second thing I wanted to blog about (but now has lost some of its potency) was after going to a friend's midnight birthday party, and due to a tiny miniscule immaterial probably-nothing observation, feeling a twinge where there should have been none. Ok I know I make no sense. All there is to say is that there are so many sides to each person. And the more you see them the more the glamour fades, and they are revealed to you, warts and all....whole. You feel some disappointment (how can s/he actually do that?) - you had figured them out wrong. But then again, people are not mathematical equations. And if, like in The Matrix, everything can be reduced to lines of numbers, each person is going to need more RAM to represent them than all the available computer power in the world. You decide, after everything, not to judge. Because you're not omnipotent, and you don't know what's really going on. You just wish life was simpler, people either white or...white. Varying shades of white but never darker than grey. As for the truth of the matter...time will tell. Time will tell.
Then again, I might not want ALL of my thoughts broadcasted for all the world to see. Most of them would be so boring, to say the least.
But really, this is not what I meant to blog about.
At 10+ pm, when still finishing my Bio Lab and postponing the chance to blog then, I was thinking of how far I've drifted away from what I've always professed to be close to my heart. Where is my personal relationship with God now? Does He even have a say in my life? When He speaks, do I ever stop and listen? I am so wrapt, entrapt, bedazzled in my own cocooned world that I cannot see the sparkling possibilities and the deeper truths that He would reveal to me.
I haven't gone to church in 3 weeks at least. I often don't do devotion and when I do, it's so rushed and I'm so tired I have hardly any energy left to meditate on it. I say I'll pray for people but I only do it once or twice. My life is carved into such neat porportions so that there's a slice of time dedicated to everything that needs to be done: except time for God. Time to be quiet, and to stop pretending.
The scariest thing is, I never felt it. God must be being merciful - He has not withdrawn His grace from me. I am still extraordinarily blessed. He guides me and gives me peace each day, and meets all my needs and more. He answers prayer. It doesn't make sense, to be so good to this prodigal child.
Yes, in one sense it wasn't a drastic change. But there still is. The hardness of heart. The reluctance to care- truly care, not just "hey how are you" type of care. Slowly bending to the standards of those around me. The rock of truth never erodes, but who can say that about the fine sand of belief and ritual that we grip onto?
I fear becoming ineffective as a Christian, so watered down as to be tasteless, formless, gormless, useless. Maybe not so in the eyes of the world, but in the light of eternity. God help me. I don't want that.
"Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you..."
The second thing I wanted to blog about (but now has lost some of its potency) was after going to a friend's midnight birthday party, and due to a tiny miniscule immaterial probably-nothing observation, feeling a twinge where there should have been none. Ok I know I make no sense. All there is to say is that there are so many sides to each person. And the more you see them the more the glamour fades, and they are revealed to you, warts and all....whole. You feel some disappointment (how can s/he actually do that?) - you had figured them out wrong. But then again, people are not mathematical equations. And if, like in The Matrix, everything can be reduced to lines of numbers, each person is going to need more RAM to represent them than all the available computer power in the world. You decide, after everything, not to judge. Because you're not omnipotent, and you don't know what's really going on. You just wish life was simpler, people either white or...white. Varying shades of white but never darker than grey. As for the truth of the matter...time will tell. Time will tell.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Overwhelmingness of college life, distilled
Do you ever have that feeling when you just want to stop time, dismantle your life piece by piece and try to make it into something that makes sense, and then get back on track with a clear purpose, clear mind and clean heart?
I do.
-
The last few days-okay, last few weekends-have all passed in a blur. You walk and talk and go out a bit and suddenly, the weekend is gone and it gets back to the school routine. It seems like it never changes but actually, its changing all the time. Your relationships with people, getting closer or more distant; your perceptions, your ideals, other people's perceptions of you. The process is almost like a lava lamp, gradual and rather hypnotic. But you can't be the one observing it when you're the liquid within.
I keep wondering (though it would be easier if I just let go) what will I be, when the dust settles and my form becomes evident...
Insecurity flows into trying too hard flows into what am I, really? into a deep settledness, and calmness, knowing that whatever I am or whoever I become....
I am safe. I am sheltered, under His wing, in His mighty hand.
I do.
-
The last few days-okay, last few weekends-have all passed in a blur. You walk and talk and go out a bit and suddenly, the weekend is gone and it gets back to the school routine. It seems like it never changes but actually, its changing all the time. Your relationships with people, getting closer or more distant; your perceptions, your ideals, other people's perceptions of you. The process is almost like a lava lamp, gradual and rather hypnotic. But you can't be the one observing it when you're the liquid within.
I keep wondering (though it would be easier if I just let go) what will I be, when the dust settles and my form becomes evident...
Insecurity flows into trying too hard flows into what am I, really? into a deep settledness, and calmness, knowing that whatever I am or whoever I become....
I am safe. I am sheltered, under His wing, in His mighty hand.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Wonderings
I'm not okay.
How many times do I need to say this until it becomes a phrase without any meaning, a random stringing together of syllables, until it loses its potency and its bare-faced truth?
I don't want to be uncertain. I don't want to feel the solid ground beneath my feet shaking and trembling in anticipation of an earthquake that will turn my world upside-down and sideways. I want to pretend I'm not confused. I want to look like everything's fine and dandy, and heartily believe it too.
But, the truth is, I am unsure. I'm wondering how much of my faith in God was borrowed and assimilated from the surrounding Christian environment, and how much is truly in me. How deep my roots are if I don't even protest when people take His name in vain. When I find His word remote and the everyday business of my little world so much more arresting and real. How I can live a life of holiness when there is so much sin happening around me- tolerated, gossiped about, even approved.
Is this the real challenge I have taken on by coming to college abroad, then? Not just the demanding academic programme, the diverse multinational and multicultural environment, the community service and whole-person development focus, becoming more independent...but rather, learning each day how to live my life following Him and rejecting whatever is not of Him. Not to bow to peer pressure and mindlessly follow the fashions of the world and specifically, my generation. Living together, yet set apart.
That in itself would not be so hard if mixing around with people from different backgrounds and personalities, self-discovery and making a new start by attempting to know and connect with as many people here as possible were not some of the strong reasons I came here. Where do you draw the line with your peers? How much should my decisions on what to do and who I mix with deviate from my personality, my beliefs even; in the name (or excuse) of discovery and exploration?
And as for everyone who professes themselves proudly as Christians:
It's not the cross on your neck that makes you a Christian, it's the cross on your back.
How many times do I need to say this until it becomes a phrase without any meaning, a random stringing together of syllables, until it loses its potency and its bare-faced truth?
I don't want to be uncertain. I don't want to feel the solid ground beneath my feet shaking and trembling in anticipation of an earthquake that will turn my world upside-down and sideways. I want to pretend I'm not confused. I want to look like everything's fine and dandy, and heartily believe it too.
But, the truth is, I am unsure. I'm wondering how much of my faith in God was borrowed and assimilated from the surrounding Christian environment, and how much is truly in me. How deep my roots are if I don't even protest when people take His name in vain. When I find His word remote and the everyday business of my little world so much more arresting and real. How I can live a life of holiness when there is so much sin happening around me- tolerated, gossiped about, even approved.
Is this the real challenge I have taken on by coming to college abroad, then? Not just the demanding academic programme, the diverse multinational and multicultural environment, the community service and whole-person development focus, becoming more independent...but rather, learning each day how to live my life following Him and rejecting whatever is not of Him. Not to bow to peer pressure and mindlessly follow the fashions of the world and specifically, my generation. Living together, yet set apart.
That in itself would not be so hard if mixing around with people from different backgrounds and personalities, self-discovery and making a new start by attempting to know and connect with as many people here as possible were not some of the strong reasons I came here. Where do you draw the line with your peers? How much should my decisions on what to do and who I mix with deviate from my personality, my beliefs even; in the name (or excuse) of discovery and exploration?
And as for everyone who professes themselves proudly as Christians:
It's not the cross on your neck that makes you a Christian, it's the cross on your back.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Of Doormats and Aviation Training
Today I finally understand what cliched books mean when they say "her eyes wide, she opened her mouth to say something, and then closed it shut." It happened to me.
I was just about to fire off a snappy retort to someone who super annoyed me with her assumptious comment. Without giving away too many details, she asked me to do something and I was going to do it, even though i was not keen on it but because she wanted me to and I wanted to make things easier for her. All the same I planned to complete another task I was doing first, and without even checking she said, "Waa, only doing that bit ahh!" (to that effect). So instantly the Flame of the Wrongly Accused flared up in me and I wanted to say in a very irritated tone, "I'm going to do this first."
And I was about to do it! But something stopped me before I could get the words out. You know how when you think, you don't think in words but rather are led by emotions or senses? Well, some sense in me reminded me that I had to be patient. And thus I kept quiet.
However the aforementioned flame had not burned out! While I was finishing my other task it roared inwardly. See, it said (metaphorically), being a Christian is being a doormat! Not fighting back, not defending yourself, not demanding your rights! You get stepped on, taken for granted, overlooked, unappreciated by everybody because you won't stand up for yourself! You see? YOU SEE?! And the God you serve was the biggest doormat of all! The only difference is, his doormat was vertical and in the shape of a cross!
All the same, after a while it subsided and, knowing my annoyance was blown out of porportion, tried to make sense of it. Indeed, Jesus' instructions to us, his followers, do sound like "be a doormat". Things such as:
1. If a man slaps you on one cheek, turn the other cheek to him too.
2. Be quiet when people speak to you in anger.
3. Pray for those who persecute you.
4. Do not seek vengeance or revenge.
5. Love those who hate you.
And so on. His whole life was a testimony to serving others and not himself: washing his disciples' feet, preaching to the crowds although he was exhausted and hungry, even restoring the chopped-off ear of a man who came to kill him.
His selflessness is not an easy act to follow. In fact, it downright goes against the thinking of this generation of "My right"-ists.
But I think of it this way...if my being a doormat for Christ can help to usher someone into the House of God, get someone interested in Him...then, I am willing to be one.
__________________________________
Another thought that I had was, (and this thought didn't feel like it came from me) before we can soar like eagles, our wings have to be strengthened first. Sometimes I'm so eager to fly off and explore my fullest potential that I forget that I need to grow stronger and firmer in my foundations first.
I think this is the period when God is putting many challenges in my life to build up the character I need to stay strong in Him even without the support group that I've had near me all my life. It's sometimes trying but also exciting as I prepare to venture into new territory. I had better prepare well!
Alright, sleep is calling my name and I must not keep it waiting. Farewell dear readers!
I was just about to fire off a snappy retort to someone who super annoyed me with her assumptious comment. Without giving away too many details, she asked me to do something and I was going to do it, even though i was not keen on it but because she wanted me to and I wanted to make things easier for her. All the same I planned to complete another task I was doing first, and without even checking she said, "Waa, only doing that bit ahh!" (to that effect). So instantly the Flame of the Wrongly Accused flared up in me and I wanted to say in a very irritated tone, "I'm going to do this first."
And I was about to do it! But something stopped me before I could get the words out. You know how when you think, you don't think in words but rather are led by emotions or senses? Well, some sense in me reminded me that I had to be patient. And thus I kept quiet.
However the aforementioned flame had not burned out! While I was finishing my other task it roared inwardly. See, it said (metaphorically), being a Christian is being a doormat! Not fighting back, not defending yourself, not demanding your rights! You get stepped on, taken for granted, overlooked, unappreciated by everybody because you won't stand up for yourself! You see? YOU SEE?! And the God you serve was the biggest doormat of all! The only difference is, his doormat was vertical and in the shape of a cross!
All the same, after a while it subsided and, knowing my annoyance was blown out of porportion, tried to make sense of it. Indeed, Jesus' instructions to us, his followers, do sound like "be a doormat". Things such as:
1. If a man slaps you on one cheek, turn the other cheek to him too.
2. Be quiet when people speak to you in anger.
3. Pray for those who persecute you.
4. Do not seek vengeance or revenge.
5. Love those who hate you.
And so on. His whole life was a testimony to serving others and not himself: washing his disciples' feet, preaching to the crowds although he was exhausted and hungry, even restoring the chopped-off ear of a man who came to kill him.
His selflessness is not an easy act to follow. In fact, it downright goes against the thinking of this generation of "My right"-ists.
But I think of it this way...if my being a doormat for Christ can help to usher someone into the House of God, get someone interested in Him...then, I am willing to be one.
__________________________________
Another thought that I had was, (and this thought didn't feel like it came from me) before we can soar like eagles, our wings have to be strengthened first. Sometimes I'm so eager to fly off and explore my fullest potential that I forget that I need to grow stronger and firmer in my foundations first.
I think this is the period when God is putting many challenges in my life to build up the character I need to stay strong in Him even without the support group that I've had near me all my life. It's sometimes trying but also exciting as I prepare to venture into new territory. I had better prepare well!
Alright, sleep is calling my name and I must not keep it waiting. Farewell dear readers!
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