It's quite cliche to write a New Year's post I know, but I can understand the impulse now. There's something rather momentous about the turning of the year, a brand new start casting off the mistakes and regrets of the past and marching boldly into the future. A cause for celebration, though it's hard to explain why. After all, what is a new year but a standard way to cordon and segment the passing of time, the moving on of our lifespan on earth?
All the same, a new year is as good a time as any to reflect on what one has accomplished and learnt throughout the year that has gone by. Some things that happened in 2007 that stood out for me:
1) Going to National Service on 1st Jan.
What a way to start the new year-leaving home for some ulu jungle place for 3 months supposedly for national integration but rather to waste time and money endlessly marching, getting eaten alive by insects, swinging on monkey bars and being fed patriotic sentiments. And a whole 3 months cut off from civilization, air-conditioning, the internet, pork!
The reality was quite different: we couldn't get out except on Sundays (for church, if you're Christian), we had long and tiring weekdays (5.30am-11+ pm), often the schedule was monotonous and boring, the uniforms were sweat-trapping, unfashionable and impractical for the sake of so-called modesty.
Yet there were many great memories, many people that I feel privileged to have met though I will not likely ever see them again. They taught me about contentment, about having a simple life, about the importance of family and about kindness. In the little bubble that was our NS camp, we formed alliances and friendships with people of different races, backgrounds and cultures that would have been only superficial in the outside world.
2) My grandmother passed away.
Even now, I don't know how to phrase that sentence properly. It happened during NS, I was not told until a day later-they made an announcement calling my name, and when I went to the office I was told "Nenek kamu sudah meninggal." Just like that. They thought I knew-how would I have known? It was the middle of the week, we don't have our handphones except at weekends, and I hadn't called home for a few days. I went home for about 4 or 5 days. It was a sad time, but not despairing knowing that she was now with Jesus and was finally free from the unceasing pain of terminal cancer. Having family and thoughtful friends nearby helped to alleviate the pain as well. Maybe it was good that I had to return to NS, always having something else to occupy my mind.
3) I had my first job.
How exciting it was to get a job! To finally feel useful after long weeks of doing nothing much around the house, sleeping half the day away and moaning to my long-suffering parents about how my life was utterly boring.
Two weeks in, and I start complaining how tiring it is to work six days a week. I dread going back to a stuffy air-conditionerless environment each day and do wonderfully challenging tasks such as photocopying a dictionary, cut-and-paste, check for grammar mistakes in workbooks and such.
One month in, I start working full-time. (before this it was only part-time: and even then I wasn't used to it) The hours tick by slooowly. There is actually a certain amount of satisfaction I get from each job done well, each minor crisis averted, each niggling problem solved. I get closer to my colleagues. I learned what office politics means (though in all fairness, there wasn't that much where I worked).
Best of all, I got my first paycheck! I'm worth every ringgit, baby;p
4) SPM and beyond.
The endless possibilities made me whip my head in every direction, sniff at every tree in the hope of finding the perfect path for my future. A decision had to be made that ruled out a thousand other alluring opportunities. Maturity is the acceptance of limitations. I read that in a book recently, and it struck me that that was one of the most important lessons I learned last year. That you cannot have everything or try everything. You have to balance between unrealistic motivational-speaker-style "You can do anything you put your mind to!" beliefs and the fact that you are only human. Unfortunately, its a lesson that keeps resurfacing again as I try to compromise somewhere between absurd ambition and my lazy self.
5) I got involved in church more.
Looking back, that was a turning point in my life. Sure, it was sometimes frustrating, it was humbling, it was time-consuming and self-doubt about my motivations often battered me - but it was so worth it. God does not ask anything of us without giving it back a thousandfold. What I contributed to starting up and working with the new youth group in my church was so little compared to what I gained from it - the friendship, the renewed sense of closeness to God, seeing the enthusiasm and passion that these people have to see my city-starting from the young people-won for Christ. Their love and the extent of their sacrifices to stay here and carry out the work God has given them inspires me. I only wish I can do the same. It was a struggle to know whether it was God's will for me to leave for Hong Kong or to stay and participate in building up our youth group. Even till now, I don't know if I can say for sure that I made the right decision, or just took my own path regardless. I guess my testimony in Hong Kong will prove it.
6) Leaving home.
How could I have been so eager and fearless to make that decision? If I had known how lonely I'd feel at times, how misunderstood, how stressed. But it's true that we grow through difficulty. Coming back for holidays, I consider everything so much more precious, every moment I spend with my friends and family is a breath of fresh air. They say it takes time to adjust to a new environment. Maybe for a loner it's easier. For someone who places great importance on relationships, well, those take time to build.
Perhaps I could have used this opportunity to draw closer to God, but I drifted away further - trying to fit in with everybody and live up to my own standards of perfection. With a new term and the hard part of adjusting in and 'finding your place' done with, I hope to be more like myself this term, and I think that would be best for everybody - to truly be themselves, not just the usual but the best that they can be.
They say going to college is when your bubble bursts - the little world of beliefs, standards, values and lifestyle that you and those around you follow is challenged. I didn't realise I had a bubble until it started to deflate. It doesn't feel safe to wander far - but in order to find the truth, we must be bold. Step out.
Despite everything, and because of everything - everything that life is going to throw at me, good and bad - I step out into 2008. Boldly.
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