Things will get better

Things will get better. They will. They will. And its not just now, when you feel bowed down by seen and unseen pressures, by anticipation of tests and deadlines and responsibilities to be fulfilled, by hopes and the unquenchable desire to be everything, have it all - to be perfect. And each life has its ups and downs, yes? Just because you are in an unbelievably blessed position, that you are fed and free and safe and loved does not mean you won't feel down once in a while. That you will not miss people or familiarity. That you can't shed a tear or two.



That you must, at all costs, be happy all the time. Because that's not real.



And if I am anything, I am real. I am flesh and blood and I feel insult as keenly (or more keenly) than a knife. I feel tiredness and I cannot sleep only 4 hours a night and still be fresh all day long. I can't take your lifestyle of last-minuteness and late-night socialising and sharing of deepest feelings with people I don't really know. I cannot break the tension in a group, though I wish I could. I feel like a follower trying to be a leader and failing; a duck trying to fly.



At this time, weirdly enough I remember the philosophy of the Yunnan Daytop Village For Drug Abuse, which I visited during my "AIDS Concern" trip to Kunming during China Week (which was a pretty tumultous time, come to think of it). It summarises my thoughts at this moment. Perhaps all of us, like these ex-drug users, need to be saved sometimes, and we shouldn't underestimate the power of thought and ideas to motivate us and pull us up at the time we need it the most.



"I am here, because there is no refuge, finally from myself, until I confront myself in the eyes and hearts of others, I am running, until I suffer them to share my secrets, I have no safety from them. Afraid to be known, I can know neither myself nor any other, I will be alone.



Where else but in our common ground can I find such a mirror? Here, together I can at least appear clearly to myself, not as the giant of my dreams, nor the dwarf of my fears, but as a person, part of the whole, with my share in it's purpose. In this ground we can take root and grow, not alone any more as in death, but alive to myself and to others."

-Philosophy of Daytop Drug Treatment and Rehabilitation Center, Yunnan, China