Jitters

It was a normal day, a ho-hum day, just another visit to KL as my family often makes. Only this time it was different. I wasn't just there to shop and sleep and revel in the bright city lights, I was there to meet up with some of the seniors at the college which I had just been accepted into.

At first when the idea of a meet-up was suggested I responded enthusiastically. What could be better than meeting up with the current students, so friendly and open, so willing to impart their collegiate wisdom to tadpoles like me? (I use tadpoles in its young, wriggly innocence sense. Also consider the similiarities in vulnerability: they can be eaten up by voracious predator fish at any unwary moment.) But as the day grew closer, I found myself growing a little tense, a bit anxious, a teensy worried. Why exactly, I couldn't tell you. After all, this wasn't something as intimidating as a dentist appointment or a major exam or an interview. It was JUST a casual lunch with some people I had never met before. Because strangers are just friends you haven't met yet, right?

That wasn't the way I was feeling then. As we reached the shopping mall where I was going to meet up with them while my parents and sister would go to eat and shop, I felt a knot of anxiety tightening in my abdominal region. Unexpressed, even in my thoughts, were my growing fears: that they would not like me, that they would find my opinions naive or immature, that I would have nothing to say, or worse, that I would say something that would expose my kampung roots and they would all stop eating, put down their fork and spoon and stare at me in horror and bewilderment.

Just a reminder to anyone who might find this useful someday: inner pep talks don't really work if you don't truly believe what you're saying. As I walked nearer and nearer to the restaurant where we were to meet, (I was early...that should tell you how anxious I was, for I am rarely punctual) I kept telling myself, "You can do this. You are smart and they will like you. You can handle this easily...." but it sounded so fake, like some stereotypical psychic with her crystal ball was deciphering my future in the cloudy patterns. I did an unimpressive job of calming myself down and boosting my confidence. I think my heartbeat actually became faster at this point.

I had already been feeling nauseous for some time like I had eaten something bad (though I hadn't had any food yet) so I decided I must go to the toilet first. What's more I had made a rather unadvisable choice of clothing for that day (new rule; when meeting new people, always wear something you're comfortable in and not a brand-new outfit), The top looked really nice when I stood or sat completely still, my arms by my side, but when I moved my arms around it looked rather messy. The main thing is, it added another worry to my already hyper self-conscious state: that I would look weird and people would think, "Oh no, that girl is coming to my college?!"

In the toilet, I tried to PULL MYSELF TOGETHER!! as the superhero outfitter told Mrs. Incredible. (The image of the tiny but gutsy woman whacking a dazed Mrs. Incredible with a newspaper always brings a smile to my face.)

I remembered where my true worth lies: not in my appearance or intelligence or charm, but in the eyes of an everlasting God and Father who thinks I'm just perfect. It doesn't matter if my blouse rides up again or I say the wrong thing later or fail to make a good impression although I try my best. There is someone whom is the most important Person in the universe to please, and guess what....He's pleased anyway.

You know the way you think, actually think, not narrative-style thinking with words and sentences is usually inexpressible because it's a mix of emotions, intellectual realisations and impressions, isn't it. But that was the gist of my thoughts, inside the toilet cubicle of Midvalley Megamall.

As I adjusted my blouse one last time, applied a little clear lip balm and washed my hands there, I left the washroom feeling a little less shaky and a bit more assured that whatever happened next, I would be fine. I would survive, and rise again to embarrass myself another day! Woohoo!? YEAH?!!

Looking at things that way make them a little less scary. And always tell yourself, like I did that day: "I am glowing. I am beautiful."

Nothing else. Just that. And believe it with all your heart!

Because it's true.