In this blog, as far back as I can remember, I have tried to be as honest to myself as possible, even if it meant being excessively emo. Most of the time, I try to stylize it and make my words and thoughts flow more beautifully. The writing is not a direct output from my intellect and my feeling, it goes through a medium that is meant to be heard, and in that process the thought changes as well.
Today as I was writing something promotional for a program I am very indebted to, I realize how easy it is to spin a half-truth or even a lie, and make it sound earnest and heartfelt. I have become so used to writing these half-truths, spinning progress narratives to advance myself professionally, that I don't think twice about it. Until today. How much I've changed from the person I was even five years ago, when more things were black and white, when heaven and hell were real, when I was still moving along the conveyor belt towards what? success? fame?, before I had already arrived at a destination that was the result of elimination of other options deemed unsuitable.
Those who have arrived cannot speak to those who are on the journey (both 'arrived' and 'on the road' being extremely subjective concepts) because really, nothing is the same.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Loss is like thirst
At first, you don't miss it that much. It hits you in a detached way: yes, you have no water, but you're not that thirsty, are you?
You try to cope, remind yourself that you don't need water to live, you can get by on: papaya juice, watermelons, soups, milkshakes...
But at some point, you just crave, crave a glass of water. Just to remember how it tastes like, how that cool liquid feels like sliding down your throat. That familiar pleasure which you took for granted, for so long.
And you realize you cannot have water, and never will again. Never see it, never taste it. And even worse, your crystal-clear memories will soon fade like old pictures.
It gets better, maybe, as you learn to live without. But I don't think you ever forget, and remembering brings more pain than joy.
You try to cope, remind yourself that you don't need water to live, you can get by on: papaya juice, watermelons, soups, milkshakes...
But at some point, you just crave, crave a glass of water. Just to remember how it tastes like, how that cool liquid feels like sliding down your throat. That familiar pleasure which you took for granted, for so long.
And you realize you cannot have water, and never will again. Never see it, never taste it. And even worse, your crystal-clear memories will soon fade like old pictures.
It gets better, maybe, as you learn to live without. But I don't think you ever forget, and remembering brings more pain than joy.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Father's Day
"You would never get through to the end of being a father, no matter where you stored your mind or how many steps in the series you followed. Not even if you died. Alive or dead or a thousand miles distant, you were always going to be on the hook for work that was neither a procedure nor a series of steps but, rather, something that demanded your full, constant attention without necessarily calling on you to do, perform, or say anything at all...
Fathering imposed an obligation that was more than your money, your body, or your time, a presence neither physical nor measurable by clocks: open-ended, eternal, and invisible, like the commitment of gravity to the stars." - Telegraph Avenue, Michael Chabon
___________________
Like the commitment of gravity to the stars.
It's almost two months, but the wound and the emptiness still has not gone away. Grief is a pain that comes suddenly and intensely; a child with a tantrum, who won't listen to reason.
As I forlornly play Bejeweled on this celebratory day, I reflect through the miasma of loss on (one of the) most important things my father imprinted on me, his life reflected in mine. In the end all that matters is who you are, not what you've done.
My father did well in his life, coming from a pretty poor background to rise to middle-classhood, with a job that matched his interests, a wife and two kids. He would have been set to work for a number more years and retire gracefully, having saved well, and spend more time with his kids. Although it didn't quite work out that way, with an early retirement from downsizing, followed by successive rounds of cancer a few years later, my father did not descend into despair or bitterness. He was kind, loving, had a quirky sense of humor with occasional lapses in spelling, and always showed us affection. Despite the physical suffering and tedium he faced, and probably fear as well, during his cancer, he remained faithful, strong, and steadfast; facing challenges hopefully and honestly.
"Everything you ask daddy to do, daddy takes it seriously!" - And he would. Files full of mundane events and the detritus of life, meticulously organized, from my SPM and IB results, to a copy of all our IDs, and a detailed holiday calendar...even after his high-wage career was over, he took the business of household seriously and loved to improve, improvise, and delight in the small and big things he could do to make all our lives better. When I came home after he passed away, I saw that he had recently put a cup into the CD compartment/middle-of-the-car storage compartment, so he could drop the house keys in there, for easy fishing out when we needed to open the electric gate. Classic daddy workarounds.
I will miss him in innumerable ways, especially for his patience, his humor, and his love. I wish so much that he could have spent more time with us, good days and years with the family he had put so much of his life into.
But not all is lost. His great gifts to me I will always carry. One of the most precious being the example of his own life, a life marked with accomplishments of the spirit and character. In an achievement-oriented world, where one's worth is determined by money and power, my father's life and words remind me to check my own desire for achievement - not to let it warp my character, and not to let the fickle winds of fortune determine my attitude to life and take precedence over the things which are true, noble, and eternal.
I love you, daddy. Thank you for leaving us with no regrets.
Fathering imposed an obligation that was more than your money, your body, or your time, a presence neither physical nor measurable by clocks: open-ended, eternal, and invisible, like the commitment of gravity to the stars." - Telegraph Avenue, Michael Chabon
___________________
Like the commitment of gravity to the stars.
It's almost two months, but the wound and the emptiness still has not gone away. Grief is a pain that comes suddenly and intensely; a child with a tantrum, who won't listen to reason.
As I forlornly play Bejeweled on this celebratory day, I reflect through the miasma of loss on (one of the) most important things my father imprinted on me, his life reflected in mine. In the end all that matters is who you are, not what you've done.
My father did well in his life, coming from a pretty poor background to rise to middle-classhood, with a job that matched his interests, a wife and two kids. He would have been set to work for a number more years and retire gracefully, having saved well, and spend more time with his kids. Although it didn't quite work out that way, with an early retirement from downsizing, followed by successive rounds of cancer a few years later, my father did not descend into despair or bitterness. He was kind, loving, had a quirky sense of humor with occasional lapses in spelling, and always showed us affection. Despite the physical suffering and tedium he faced, and probably fear as well, during his cancer, he remained faithful, strong, and steadfast; facing challenges hopefully and honestly.
"Everything you ask daddy to do, daddy takes it seriously!" - And he would. Files full of mundane events and the detritus of life, meticulously organized, from my SPM and IB results, to a copy of all our IDs, and a detailed holiday calendar...even after his high-wage career was over, he took the business of household seriously and loved to improve, improvise, and delight in the small and big things he could do to make all our lives better. When I came home after he passed away, I saw that he had recently put a cup into the CD compartment/middle-of-the-car storage compartment, so he could drop the house keys in there, for easy fishing out when we needed to open the electric gate. Classic daddy workarounds.
I will miss him in innumerable ways, especially for his patience, his humor, and his love. I wish so much that he could have spent more time with us, good days and years with the family he had put so much of his life into.
But not all is lost. His great gifts to me I will always carry. One of the most precious being the example of his own life, a life marked with accomplishments of the spirit and character. In an achievement-oriented world, where one's worth is determined by money and power, my father's life and words remind me to check my own desire for achievement - not to let it warp my character, and not to let the fickle winds of fortune determine my attitude to life and take precedence over the things which are true, noble, and eternal.
I love you, daddy. Thank you for leaving us with no regrets.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Restless again
Tonight I think I could run for a long time but my mind flitters from bright spot to bright spot, buzzing and settling on nothing. I feel no feelings except the not-being-here-ness of plugging into the internet and the aimlessness of our generation.
Henceforth what I write will be stream-of-consciousness, which I hate in other people's writings generally but when I write for myself it feels like a good thing - not the best thing, but something between a photo and a portrait - not quite a crystal clear impression (which we can never capture anyways, all memories are reinterpretations) and not a portrait where every line has been considered, where ideas are formed into neat sentences and pruned into bonsai paragraphs and it does not at all capture the mixture of profound and pedestrian thoughts that run through my mind everyday ("Why does anyone keep on living when their lives are terrible?" "Do I have enough time for a nap?")
_________
I think that in the end the only things that matter are what we produce and what we can give and transform from what we've been given, and I've been given so much and produced so little that I can authoritatively point to and say "mine". But maybe that is the problem of living too - that everything you create is ephemeral, that nothing is certain.
This is why people have children. They are at once something you create and something you can call your own and something that definitely could not have existed and survived without you. But all those years of drudgery...that's a lot to pay for the privilege of having some(one) you can call your own.
_________
I suppose in the end we can be made happy by just having very few things: friends, good food, showers, books...but being happy and being purposeful are different things. And while I feel happy I don't exactly feel purposeful right now. People who seem purposeful don't often look happy. I suppose they cannot be totally happy until their purpose is achieved, and if that happens, they will see another cause they need to go for anyway.
Why is it that everytime I write I end up sad? I think the imbalance of sad/happy things in the world is lopsided as to be laughable. Maybe this whole writing business just reminds me of that.
Henceforth what I write will be stream-of-consciousness, which I hate in other people's writings generally but when I write for myself it feels like a good thing - not the best thing, but something between a photo and a portrait - not quite a crystal clear impression (which we can never capture anyways, all memories are reinterpretations) and not a portrait where every line has been considered, where ideas are formed into neat sentences and pruned into bonsai paragraphs and it does not at all capture the mixture of profound and pedestrian thoughts that run through my mind everyday ("Why does anyone keep on living when their lives are terrible?" "Do I have enough time for a nap?")
_________
I think that in the end the only things that matter are what we produce and what we can give and transform from what we've been given, and I've been given so much and produced so little that I can authoritatively point to and say "mine". But maybe that is the problem of living too - that everything you create is ephemeral, that nothing is certain.
This is why people have children. They are at once something you create and something you can call your own and something that definitely could not have existed and survived without you. But all those years of drudgery...that's a lot to pay for the privilege of having some(one) you can call your own.
_________
I suppose in the end we can be made happy by just having very few things: friends, good food, showers, books...but being happy and being purposeful are different things. And while I feel happy I don't exactly feel purposeful right now. People who seem purposeful don't often look happy. I suppose they cannot be totally happy until their purpose is achieved, and if that happens, they will see another cause they need to go for anyway.
Why is it that everytime I write I end up sad? I think the imbalance of sad/happy things in the world is lopsided as to be laughable. Maybe this whole writing business just reminds me of that.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Pitcher
The itch has come again, and I must scratch - I cannot sleep until I get this out of my head.
I feel this imperative again to write, for whoever wishes to read, but mostly for a selfish reason, for the future me to remember what it feels like to be in college and not to have only the sentimental gumbo of cliched recollections to hold onto when I recall my early days, but for a bit of that passion and nowness to be pinned it down with my words. I will do the best I can.
The college experience is like a pitcher, filling up with droplets of days, that flow into weeks, into semesters, into solid years broken up in between with summers both languid and professional (early years and later years). People tend to describe college with the taste they remember when it outflows from the pitcher - a mix of the bitter and the sweet, the common and the extraordinary, the personal and the group, whichever they chose to identify with. But what's important to remember is that that's not really how it happened - there wasn't a narrative to begin with, or a story I set out meaning to tell - every day has a routine, but it also held the promise of something mind-blowing to be learned, or a conversation to bloom into a friendship. It holds the prospect of spontaneous decisions to go to an event in the evening or eat with this friend and not another or spend all night in the library.
The memories that flow from the pitcher are smooth, well-mixed, in equilibrium, the sweet balancing out the bitter and all glossed over with the numbing taste of nostalgia. But my days are not all moderately sunny, they are sometimes blindingly bright and sometimes gloomy, some days I don't remember at all because I was too sleepy to pay attention, some days I conquer the world, some days I have no idea. And many, many days I fluctuate between those extremes. Sometimes the enormity of it all, contrasted with my small, small brain, brings me to tears - like now. Even a semester is too long a timespan to describe my emotional/mental state and growth, there are constant switchbacks and setbacks and spurts of understanding. A linear narrative of progress and growth may be appealing. It works on applications, it works to create a pretty package for evaluation. But in my experience, it is untrue.
So then...what is this time that I have been through? What is my last word, having rejected the generic smoothie-like 'best of times worst of times' version of the college story?
The truth is...I don't know. I feel dimly even as I go through my day and check off lists that don't matter a week from now (and I have kept a day calendar for every year I have been here, it's necessary) that the people I meet and things I read and listen to are planting seeds in me that may take years to show fruit. It's coalescing somewhere deep and unconscious and someday it's going to sprout in totally unexpected ways. And some things are just fun and I enjoy them intensely at this moment but will forget them very soon. Some things are not fun, and I forget them as soon as I can (this includes several of my classes, honestly).
But most of all I want to remember the people, people who have touched my life in these past three years in so many ways - teachers, peers, bosses, co-workers and those random people you meet and have a great conversation with for a while. I want to remember them crystal clear as the people they were and the hopes and dreams they had, and honestly I hope I remember the good more than the bad because life is too short to be uncharitable. But more than that, I hope to see them as more than still figures captured in photos - I hope to keep meeting them throughout my life, speaking with them, following these lives that have touched mine and see how their college pitchers overflow into the lives they are leading now - and how it hasn't.
I have hope that this may actually come true (as so many of my more lofty goals have not) precisely because we (those fortunate enough to have the opportunity to spend four years of live free of adult responsibilities in a ridiculously privileged and sheltered environment) enshrine college as that sacred moment in our lives, something fond to be remembered. I harbor hopes that these people I meet will actually want to keep in touch with me as well. My paths,even the ones I rejected due to time or expediency or laziness, continue to pulse, and they will be possibilities in some form or another till the day I die. College as a defined period of my life will soon be over, but college as a shared state of mind, a collective pitcher memory that bonds those far separated by passing years and interests, is something I can access for the rest of my life. And that's what college means to me.
I feel this imperative again to write, for whoever wishes to read, but mostly for a selfish reason, for the future me to remember what it feels like to be in college and not to have only the sentimental gumbo of cliched recollections to hold onto when I recall my early days, but for a bit of that passion and nowness to be pinned it down with my words. I will do the best I can.
The college experience is like a pitcher, filling up with droplets of days, that flow into weeks, into semesters, into solid years broken up in between with summers both languid and professional (early years and later years). People tend to describe college with the taste they remember when it outflows from the pitcher - a mix of the bitter and the sweet, the common and the extraordinary, the personal and the group, whichever they chose to identify with. But what's important to remember is that that's not really how it happened - there wasn't a narrative to begin with, or a story I set out meaning to tell - every day has a routine, but it also held the promise of something mind-blowing to be learned, or a conversation to bloom into a friendship. It holds the prospect of spontaneous decisions to go to an event in the evening or eat with this friend and not another or spend all night in the library.
The memories that flow from the pitcher are smooth, well-mixed, in equilibrium, the sweet balancing out the bitter and all glossed over with the numbing taste of nostalgia. But my days are not all moderately sunny, they are sometimes blindingly bright and sometimes gloomy, some days I don't remember at all because I was too sleepy to pay attention, some days I conquer the world, some days I have no idea. And many, many days I fluctuate between those extremes. Sometimes the enormity of it all, contrasted with my small, small brain, brings me to tears - like now. Even a semester is too long a timespan to describe my emotional/mental state and growth, there are constant switchbacks and setbacks and spurts of understanding. A linear narrative of progress and growth may be appealing. It works on applications, it works to create a pretty package for evaluation. But in my experience, it is untrue.
So then...what is this time that I have been through? What is my last word, having rejected the generic smoothie-like 'best of times worst of times' version of the college story?
The truth is...I don't know. I feel dimly even as I go through my day and check off lists that don't matter a week from now (and I have kept a day calendar for every year I have been here, it's necessary) that the people I meet and things I read and listen to are planting seeds in me that may take years to show fruit. It's coalescing somewhere deep and unconscious and someday it's going to sprout in totally unexpected ways. And some things are just fun and I enjoy them intensely at this moment but will forget them very soon. Some things are not fun, and I forget them as soon as I can (this includes several of my classes, honestly).
But most of all I want to remember the people, people who have touched my life in these past three years in so many ways - teachers, peers, bosses, co-workers and those random people you meet and have a great conversation with for a while. I want to remember them crystal clear as the people they were and the hopes and dreams they had, and honestly I hope I remember the good more than the bad because life is too short to be uncharitable. But more than that, I hope to see them as more than still figures captured in photos - I hope to keep meeting them throughout my life, speaking with them, following these lives that have touched mine and see how their college pitchers overflow into the lives they are leading now - and how it hasn't.
I have hope that this may actually come true (as so many of my more lofty goals have not) precisely because we (those fortunate enough to have the opportunity to spend four years of live free of adult responsibilities in a ridiculously privileged and sheltered environment) enshrine college as that sacred moment in our lives, something fond to be remembered. I harbor hopes that these people I meet will actually want to keep in touch with me as well. My paths,even the ones I rejected due to time or expediency or laziness, continue to pulse, and they will be possibilities in some form or another till the day I die. College as a defined period of my life will soon be over, but college as a shared state of mind, a collective pitcher memory that bonds those far separated by passing years and interests, is something I can access for the rest of my life. And that's what college means to me.
My S side needs to remember concrete facts about senior year
Experiences I want to remember about senior year so far (chronological order):
1) I-place Orientation for a week (Gangnam Style! Party on the last night. New friends from all the colleges. Deep conversations. Eating in the village. Being the most experienced class of students - a strange feeling indeed.)
2) Sara/Mandy/Joanie's birthday (Shopping at the 99 cents store. Kool-aid vodka drinks.)
3) Going to the LA County Fair with Ji Su, Daisy and Ei.
4) Nocturnal Wonderland. Above and Beyond. Feeling limitless and utterly content, lying on the grass/carpet outside a tent with Rachit.
5) Halona with ISMP. Lying on the street at 3am, watching the night sky, nearly getting run over by a car whose headlights we saw coming just in time.
6) J visiting for a weekend ++. Santa Monica, movies, good times.
7) Yosemite for fall break. Great people, and majestic scenery. Realization of unfitness as proven by sore legs day after.
And all this, in the first 9 weeks of term. And with my future (almost) set in terms of where I'll be for the next two years, this year is looking up.
1) I-place Orientation for a week (Gangnam Style! Party on the last night. New friends from all the colleges. Deep conversations. Eating in the village. Being the most experienced class of students - a strange feeling indeed.)
2) Sara/Mandy/Joanie's birthday (Shopping at the 99 cents store. Kool-aid vodka drinks.)
3) Going to the LA County Fair with Ji Su, Daisy and Ei.
4) Nocturnal Wonderland. Above and Beyond. Feeling limitless and utterly content, lying on the grass/carpet outside a tent with Rachit.
5) Halona with ISMP. Lying on the street at 3am, watching the night sky, nearly getting run over by a car whose headlights we saw coming just in time.
6) J visiting for a weekend ++. Santa Monica, movies, good times.
7) Yosemite for fall break. Great people, and majestic scenery. Realization of unfitness as proven by sore legs day after.
And all this, in the first 9 weeks of term. And with my future (almost) set in terms of where I'll be for the next two years, this year is looking up.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Here and Now
I realize that I am addicted to the present, the here and now. It explains why my three favorite things are bodily sensations or states of being: sunshine, showers and sleep. On one hand, I derive so much pleasure from commonplace things, everyday beauty, sparkling conversations with friends new and old, music that makes me want to move, good food. And I keep seeking new pleasures and things to experience. On the other hand, it makes unpleasant moments almost intolerable. Drudgery at the office is one example, I can't just sit and do something monotonous for eight hours. I do wish I could either ignore my boredom or not be affected by it, or find a way to make even that experience pleasurable and interesting.
Perhaps everyone is like this, but I doubt so. Some people seem just so...bland. How can I engage my here and nowness in a productive way, and not wear it down to survive?
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