It's been a tiring few weeks. Applications, interviews, lots of highs and lows, expectations unmet, friendships struck and friendships waning...what else is going to happen?
It's 1am, I should go to sleep. I'm generally more upbeat than this.
When I think though, of the choices I have in life, it astounds me...just a few decades ago it's likely that at my age, with my background, I would be a mother. Maybe uneducated. In a low-wage job, or not having a job at all. With limited access to healthcare, to new opportunities, to travel, to achieve many of the current markers of success. Possibly lonely, if I moved away from my home to marry. Probably not having much freedom to socialize, particularly with the opposite gender.
Forget a few decades ago, women in many parts of the world still live like this today. Many women in Malaysia, too.
It is only by looking back and forth in time can I anchor myself in today and glimpse my role in it all. Women (and their families) before me have paved the road to make MY options possible, MY future as optimistic and impactful-on-a-large-scale as I dream now.
And so...maybe I need to relax a little. Just be grateful I am here, be thankful for these sisters and mothers who made it possible and are rooting for me from wherever they are.
And take up my load, willingly, and use what I have to make the way smooth for others.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
White Space
1/31/12
Change is unglamorous. Especially when you have to struggle really, really hard but pretend you've got it all together on the outside.
Recognizing that change is difficult, is a good first step. I'm reminding myself that while I must be my own worst critic, I have to be my own best lover and supporter too. Narcissistic as that sounds, no one else can get into your head and rub the spot where it hurts. That sounds a bit like an abusive relationship, actually -- the abuser and the comforter being one and the same. But that's how change feels like to me. All day I bang into mistakes, faux pas; get bitten by insecurities; worn down by weariness; slap myself awake again -- and at the end of the night, I let myself slow down and get angry and cry and get myself tissues and finally collapse in a puddle of placated, if not blissful, weariness. And the next morning I wake up and start over again.
When life is this open, this good, it seems almost disgusting to complain or to ever be unhappy in the slightest. But we all struggle, we struggle because there is no central cause to rally our lives around except narcissistic self-improvement. (Social justice? But how will you live on that?) In the end it circles around me, me, me. We are afraid to be our own masters. We need to be praised like children and given rewards for good behavior. FTS.
More reflections: in the developed world, we've confused what needs and wants are. We neglect needs like sleep, good nutrition, friends, family -- and satisfy unlimited wants that are often destructive. Truth be told, we need much less to live to our fullest potential, than we say we need. All the rest, it's just window dressing and higher heels.
(Note: Upon rereading, this post sounds like an angry, unfocused rant. Pardon the less-than-perfect writing. Hey, we all need to cut loose in our own way.)
Change is unglamorous. Especially when you have to struggle really, really hard but pretend you've got it all together on the outside.
Recognizing that change is difficult, is a good first step. I'm reminding myself that while I must be my own worst critic, I have to be my own best lover and supporter too. Narcissistic as that sounds, no one else can get into your head and rub the spot where it hurts. That sounds a bit like an abusive relationship, actually -- the abuser and the comforter being one and the same. But that's how change feels like to me. All day I bang into mistakes, faux pas; get bitten by insecurities; worn down by weariness; slap myself awake again -- and at the end of the night, I let myself slow down and get angry and cry and get myself tissues and finally collapse in a puddle of placated, if not blissful, weariness. And the next morning I wake up and start over again.
When life is this open, this good, it seems almost disgusting to complain or to ever be unhappy in the slightest. But we all struggle, we struggle because there is no central cause to rally our lives around except narcissistic self-improvement. (Social justice? But how will you live on that?) In the end it circles around me, me, me. We are afraid to be our own masters. We need to be praised like children and given rewards for good behavior. FTS.
More reflections: in the developed world, we've confused what needs and wants are. We neglect needs like sleep, good nutrition, friends, family -- and satisfy unlimited wants that are often destructive. Truth be told, we need much less to live to our fullest potential, than we say we need. All the rest, it's just window dressing and higher heels.
(Note: Upon rereading, this post sounds like an angry, unfocused rant. Pardon the less-than-perfect writing. Hey, we all need to cut loose in our own way.)
Friday, December 9, 2011
Pent Up
I am so full of emotion/wonder/desire for understanding right now.
I'm not sure whether its due to some weird hormonal imbalance, or prolonged social isolation (I haven't properly spoken to people in two days), but this feels weird.
I'm not sure whether its due to some weird hormonal imbalance, or prolonged social isolation (I haven't properly spoken to people in two days), but this feels weird.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Dreamscapes
I don't know where I'm going, just know where I've been
It's been sweet, it's been bitter, everything in between
Oh to exist! In a place where time and space cease to matter. To crouch in a cool limestone cave with sunlight shining through only from the mouth of the cave, and hear fresh water drip drip drip onto the glistening brown surface. Someday, maybe, a stalagmite might form there. I will be dust by then.
Somehow this image comforts me. My generation has compressed time and space into capsules we swallow every morning, evening, night; we run and we run and we are afraid to venture off-track. Inundated by information; catching and dodging questions flung like arrows. Each byte of detail about the world around me is like a decibel, they are a torrent of sound, and my ears are ringing long after I leave the crowded dance floor of my peers' conversations and chat windows and newsfeeds.
Sleep is merely an empty hole patched between bright glaring days of conscious experience. No true rest. No grateful escape.
Where is truth? What should I seek? How do I get it?
I will not find the answers here, it's not a needle in the haystack, it's not the one lottery coupon among millions whose digits match those on the television screen. It is an undefined variable in an infinitely complex, unsolvable regression.
Drip, drip, drip.
It's been sweet, it's been bitter, everything in between
Oh to exist! In a place where time and space cease to matter. To crouch in a cool limestone cave with sunlight shining through only from the mouth of the cave, and hear fresh water drip drip drip onto the glistening brown surface. Someday, maybe, a stalagmite might form there. I will be dust by then.
Somehow this image comforts me. My generation has compressed time and space into capsules we swallow every morning, evening, night; we run and we run and we are afraid to venture off-track. Inundated by information; catching and dodging questions flung like arrows. Each byte of detail about the world around me is like a decibel, they are a torrent of sound, and my ears are ringing long after I leave the crowded dance floor of my peers' conversations and chat windows and newsfeeds.
Sleep is merely an empty hole patched between bright glaring days of conscious experience. No true rest. No grateful escape.
Where is truth? What should I seek? How do I get it?
I will not find the answers here, it's not a needle in the haystack, it's not the one lottery coupon among millions whose digits match those on the television screen. It is an undefined variable in an infinitely complex, unsolvable regression.
Drip, drip, drip.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Thinking about Strangler Trees
Yesterday, my tutee and I read a SAT piece about strangler trees, these interesting floral curiousities that grow on big, tall trees in the tropical rainforest by seeding high up in the crevices of those trees. They begin as epiphytes, with roots extending towards the ground and towards the sun, but not feeding off their host. When their roots reach the ground and take root in the soil, they start growing rapidly and eventually cover up the hosts' roots. They also wind around the trunk of the host, eventually squeezing it to death (hence the name strangler trees). I picture a sort of king kong like scenario, navy SEALs parachuting down on many lines to bind King Kong and subdue the mighty giant.
That is neither here nor there, but just one of those interesting facts - gobbets - that've been going through my mind lately.
I've become more and more aware (not quite in a linear fashion but more like in spurts, with stagnant periods and frequent regressions) how competition has a negative effect on me. Perhaps that's why economics makes so much sense to me, its first principles are grounded on competition for scarce resources. And while the optimal outcome is an increase in productive capacity to create a win-win situation, the default mode is actually fierce competition for market dominance.
With that kind of mindset, it's hard to override the mental belief that any gain for someone who may be even remotely considered my competition is a loss for me. A natural competitive urge that people have to be the best - that urge that manifests such ugly behavior as jealousy, envy and manipulation - justified and naturalized in the name of competitive efficiency which produces the social good, creates a very twisted mindset. One loses sight of the true goal.
I try hard to be happy for other's accomplishments, and for the most part I can be. I recognize that it does contribute to the greater good, and that their gain does not diminish my status. I just wonder what it will take to change these feelings, to go against a world system where one's gain is another's loss.
I think I have always tried to create and participate in non-zero sum systems, like promoting education, knowledge, community etc. But I keep encountering the hard fact that no matter what you try to do, there is always going to be a mindset and model of competition; whether through profits or through recognition.
So to sum up there are two questions on my mind right now: How do I reconstruct my mental/emotional/physical reality so that I can push myself to work harder and improve, without the negative reinforcement of competition? And a more personal question: How serious am I about this?
That is neither here nor there, but just one of those interesting facts - gobbets - that've been going through my mind lately.
I've become more and more aware (not quite in a linear fashion but more like in spurts, with stagnant periods and frequent regressions) how competition has a negative effect on me. Perhaps that's why economics makes so much sense to me, its first principles are grounded on competition for scarce resources. And while the optimal outcome is an increase in productive capacity to create a win-win situation, the default mode is actually fierce competition for market dominance.
With that kind of mindset, it's hard to override the mental belief that any gain for someone who may be even remotely considered my competition is a loss for me. A natural competitive urge that people have to be the best - that urge that manifests such ugly behavior as jealousy, envy and manipulation - justified and naturalized in the name of competitive efficiency which produces the social good, creates a very twisted mindset. One loses sight of the true goal.
I try hard to be happy for other's accomplishments, and for the most part I can be. I recognize that it does contribute to the greater good, and that their gain does not diminish my status. I just wonder what it will take to change these feelings, to go against a world system where one's gain is another's loss.
I think I have always tried to create and participate in non-zero sum systems, like promoting education, knowledge, community etc. But I keep encountering the hard fact that no matter what you try to do, there is always going to be a mindset and model of competition; whether through profits or through recognition.
So to sum up there are two questions on my mind right now: How do I reconstruct my mental/emotional/physical reality so that I can push myself to work harder and improve, without the negative reinforcement of competition? And a more personal question: How serious am I about this?
Saturday, March 12, 2011
For those who love in doorways coming and going
Title from an amazing poem called A Litany for Survival by Audre Lorde.
In the wee hours of the night, bypassed by solitude or much conversation, curiously empty of obligations and deadlines, there is so much space to be filled in the consciousness, and therefore I start to think again.
Thinking is a curious activity, one day scientific man will progress beyond simple mind imaging in different colors and be able to create actual, rich, visual representations of mental activity - and find that no two people think in the same way. I am often frustrated by how circular my thought process is, I cannot explain to another why I feel a certain way or prevent recurring thoughts. I sometimes am unable even to explain what I'm thinking about, and realize then that I was thinking of nothing particular at all.
Spring break is here (it's Friday, my last class and midterm was yesterday), it's weird to have such an anticipated moment arrive (weeks and weeks of anticipation, I tell you. Other people say "WOW time went by so fast!" and I think, "Really? Are you kidding?"). I wonder if I will feel like this on my wedding day.
Body is running down, so I'll leave you all now...but I hope to update soon.
In the wee hours of the night, bypassed by solitude or much conversation, curiously empty of obligations and deadlines, there is so much space to be filled in the consciousness, and therefore I start to think again.
Thinking is a curious activity, one day scientific man will progress beyond simple mind imaging in different colors and be able to create actual, rich, visual representations of mental activity - and find that no two people think in the same way. I am often frustrated by how circular my thought process is, I cannot explain to another why I feel a certain way or prevent recurring thoughts. I sometimes am unable even to explain what I'm thinking about, and realize then that I was thinking of nothing particular at all.
Spring break is here (it's Friday, my last class and midterm was yesterday), it's weird to have such an anticipated moment arrive (weeks and weeks of anticipation, I tell you. Other people say "WOW time went by so fast!" and I think, "Really? Are you kidding?"). I wonder if I will feel like this on my wedding day.
Body is running down, so I'll leave you all now...but I hope to update soon.
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